Why, to this day, am I alive? Inside, I am as afraid to face an oncoming day as most are of there suddenly being no more days left to use on Earth.

That is something which has become true of me, as time has gone on.. and it's resulted in.. many interesting twists and turns, but I have yet to lose the ..complete disdain I have, which I feel every night, at the prospect of another day similar to the one just had.

I've come to the conclusion that it's in part because I am kind of a lunatic.. and in part because I'm ungrateful. It's been said dozens of times and I always think of the fact there are ..what.. millions who have much worse circumstances than I do. But that doesn't really instill me with.. motive and desire to carry on. If anything, it makes me wish I could trade my life for theirs, that I no longer have to live it, and they can have something better. Perhaps they'll do more with it than I have. Perhaps they'll become something distinguished and great with the gifts that I have so far failed to achieve while possessing.

I feel weighed down, one by the circumstances in which I live, and two by my inadequacies which I've become familiar with over the years. I don't seem to be able to do anything good enough for anyone. This is a part of what has cost me everything I have so far placed a value or significance on.

The question must be asked, then.. that if I feel this way.. why am I still here, when it would be relatively easy not to be. Why do I persist, when every move I make is a false move, wherein I lose something else?

It's a mixture of stubbornness and a faint belief that eventually I'll gain the high ground.. and all of this will begin to change, at that point.. and in whatever pace it does, from then on.. life will be better, granted not any less difficult.
There are things I am missing. Things that I have been denied and/or stripped of, in this life. My sole mission at this moment is to take, by force, each one until all parts of me.. and all I hold valuable.. in my current heart and mind.. are restored to me. It's with these things, regardless of how much must still be done, that I believe better times are to be had.

I have lived every moment, for the last few years, wagering on that possibility. I am not particularly looking forward to the next year, but I have been tantilized with a precious few possibilities.. and I do feel like I've come far enough away from ... much of the hurt and much of the anger I have operated with. My only desire is to reach a point where I can forget that anything before this year happened the way it did, as well as all involved. That's amends enough for me.

My only problem is that it's become a chore to maintain my little bit of hope. I don't know how or why it doesn't ever extinguish.. but I do know that this is what keeps me jabbing. Not any person or specific thing. Just my bit of hope.

Should it ever run out, I'll include that, somewhere in the epitaph.

At this exact moment, I was maybe needing to remind myself of that, so I hope no one is annoyed . I am my own shephard, this way.

Edit: New Years up to today  was.. eventful, to say the least. I had myself some fun. Got myself a brand new job.. and I seem to have met someone worthwhile. I have all new imperitive to continue my campaign to it's finish, and quickly. I wish to end it quickly, within the coming months.. so that no more time and no more of me is lost to war.

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Each year, as my birthday passes, I take a moment to reflect on where the previous year has gone, and where the next one will go.

In the last few years, each one has gone to my personal campaign, which began 5-6 years ago, and entered a phase of total offense, roughly 2-3 years ago. This, along with brief smatterings of life and thoughts in between is what has occupied my time and my energy. So, too, must the beggining of this year, but not very much of it. I have joked a few times in saying that it'd be over by Christmas, and the last few times that has failed to be a true prophesion, granted one made in jest.

I am aware that I have lost much of myself, in this process. I am aware of the blunt instrument I have become. I am aware of the sensibilities I have forsaken, in order to become an animal of sufficient ferocity and utility. There have been times of fatigue.. exhaustion, frustration and so forth.. but never once a moment of regret. When the time comes for the fighting to end for a while, I intend to recollect and reassemble what was good about myself, and thusly put away the soldier I am now, until the next time it's needed.

 Many have asked why it is I've taken this approach.. why life must be a war, for me. Many more ridicule it, when it is in fact true that there are many like me, to whom life and living are no less a battleground. The only difference between those many and myself.. is that I recognize it, and I have chosen to take charge, in order to take back the life and the various other things which belong to me.. as opposed to remaining a helpless docile civilian casualty.

My simple answer, to any questions about this, is that I did not create that neccesity. I am only reacting to it, as the course of things has demanded. When met with intolerable circumstances and outright wrongdoings that I have been, most people would chose to either do the same, or fallover and die. What I have discovered is that it would be of too much consequence for me to do that.. and each time I have tried, I have found myself terrified of the prospect of missing what lies beyond the darkness.

And so I have chosen to stand, refusing to go quietly into the night, but also in regonition that the night will not go quietly, either.

The most relevent questions, though,.. the ones that stop me in my tracks to think.. come from me. I often wonder the worth of it.. I forget my purpose. I forget what it is I'm raging to earn. I always re-align.. and find harmony with all those things, and this is what keeps me going.. that there will be a day when life is a little different.. when I am no longer fighting, but living to the best of my ability. In fact, there is little difference accept that, now, there are hills of accomplishment to be taken and many personal prizes to be won.. sovereignty and rights to be restored, among them. When that is restored, I will endeavor to return to the artful, gentle creature that some of you are more familiar with.

It wouldn't surprise me if the entirety of life were exactly the same. But I am a good soldier, the one thing I can say I've become good at being, and so.. if that's what waits beyond the hill when I've finally taken this one, I'm perfectly fine with that, and after some rest and celebration, I'll be ready for the next one.

I found the need to write today, because alot's happened.. and I wanted to dissolve any rumors that I may have finally given up hope. I don't have time to talk about every single thing.. but let's just say that I am beggining to see over the hill.. the same one on which I have died and been stripped of all which matters. The end of this campaign will teach me another lesson.. one that's been drummed for the last year, but has only rendered as meaningful to me because of what I've done: I will learn the value of hope.

There are some disturbing things to note, but I won't do that, now. None of them will make much difference.. and some are bridges that I'll cross when I get to them. I thought I'd give an update, just so anyone who's interested knows that.. I've remained true to my current self and, more importantly, that I am still quite undefeated.

In case I forget, I'll remind myself to describe what I've been up to for the last two months. It's a part of the campaign named Operation: Black-Bull. It's my sincerest hope that I've come to the end and this is, indeed, the final battle, for now.

Wish me luck.

Oh yea, right, Happy Birthday To Me. I bought myself some Italian leather belts and other fun things, to go with my current look .

Sure, I would.. once they finish terrafomring it to make it habitable for humans.
   

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My firstborn son will be named after me, (Donald Clemons III). The rest will probably be mutually decided by myself and whoever. My firstborn daughter.. I donno.. but I've thought of a half dozen pretty names for a girl. Ones like Quinlyn, Leah, annnd whastheotherone.. I... oh, yeah: Miranda.

Some time ago, I'd gotten real attached to the idea of.. family and kids, in particular.. and was made to think a lot about what I would name them. I don't mind telling you that sometimes I would dream of those children, so I practically saw them.

As I'm sure other opportunities will come, it delights me from time to time to think about these things, again.

Anyway.. about the why's.. well my firstborn son or at least one of em, has to carry on my name, the same way I do and my dad does. It doesn't have to be the first, but traditionally it is. That being said, my second son will have a name, or at least I'll pitch* a name that I've given as much thought to. I like the name "Mark". It's just strong enough, but not cliche strong, like "Jack" and he can make it is own brand, like the few Marks I know do. It's, in fact, because of the one or two I know that I like the name. The Mark's I know are cool, levelheaded, rounded men.

As for any girls.. well the first born, I'm not aware of any significance with names. Very few girls are traditionally named like boys.. but still.. I'd like them to have names they can carry their whole lives.. names that are as beautiful and sophisticated as I hope they'll turn out to be.

I'm a person who.. if I ever end up with children.. I'll think out.. every aspect of loving and nurturing them.. and it'll become my life's M.O.. to.. do what I think up.. and do everything else I possibly can to give them a good life and.. make sure they grow up strong, determined and.. secure in the knowledge that.. they have parents ..or at least a father.. who.. loved them from day one.. unconditionally and extremely.. and that includes giving them a unique and special name. This is why I've dug deep in thought, on this and other subjects.
  
These are a part of the tidbits of buried treasure from before the war. They'll soon be unearthed .

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Take away my race and I'm the blank slate imprint, soon to be human, perhaps. I suppose you meant take away my "ethnicity".. but take that away, and I'm still as human as I ever was or will be.

Take away my religion, and I still have my basic faith. Take away my family and I might loose touch with my roots, but anything like that which is lost can be found again.

Take away my education and you might take me aback in the things I've been exposed to in the process. Take away my job and I'll still be a productive citizen, somehow some way.

Take away all of that, and I'm still a man. Still Donald Clemons II. Still the deadliest weapon in the world .

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I hold a lot of controversial views. I have an idea how to stop AIDs in it's tracks, once and for all. I'm not the only one who's thought of it but it has so far not met widespread approval.

I recently thought of a concept which, besides their abundant humanity, has stop me from being so anti-gay. Not that it's the most consequential to my change in views, but.. I now know they're as much a part of the natural roder as any of us is .

I believe humanity should be on a different course than it is. I think half a dozen practices and freedoms should be gone.

I have tons of controversial views.. but Earth just isn't ready for most of em. The most they'd do is offend people and ignite thier sensibilities.

It's not the time for controversy to stir up change in every corner of the globe, yet.
 guess it's gettin' there, though, right?

.  

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   Yes, yes it is. In my opinion, at least. I mean.. let's look at some truths about Christmas. One: It's not accurate to Jesus's birth (because the bible states he was born during the harvest season, which isn't at any point during winter. Any person who's ever heard of a farm knows that crops are havested during the late summer/fall.. before they die of the harsh cold that is late fall/ winter). Two: Let's leave that alone and just notice it's a Christian holiday. We don't go around changing Kwanzaa, or any of the 10,655 Jewish holidays to generic season's greetings, do we?

So why do we have to dilute Christmas? I don't celebrate Hannukah.. because I'm not a jew. Even if I did, Hannukah is still a jewish holiday. Why should they have to change it around so that it makes me less offended by its ethnic specificities?

Likewise with Christmas. So many people, who aren't Christians (myself included), celebrate it because it's a time to be together, give gifts, have a good time with friends and family and it's at the end of the year, so it's a good time to end things on a note like that. That's what Christmas has become.. but still it was a Christian holiday before it became allat. Why then does it behove them to change the conventions of their holiday?

And secondly.. show of hands, how many people actually stand there and interpret it as "Merry eve of the birth of Jesus Christ!" when someone says "Merry Christmas"? I think it only means something so direct in Russian language, in which the phrase for Merry Christmas literally means "Christ resurrected.", to which the response is something like "Truly, ressurected ".

Even if they did.. what are you taking offense to other than the birth of an extraordinary man (which no one disputes Jesus must've been. Son of god or not, Romans don't nail you to a cross for nothing xD). How many people know the true meaning of Christmas, other than deep Christians. How many Christians even known the little bit I just said about Jesus not being born on the 25th of December?

My point being.. most of us don't even know everything about Christmas nor all the facts around it. For us it's become something different from what is was originally. It's become something of general niceness.

Why is it that we become so easily offended and put up in arms by a phrase who's meaning has been totally lost in time and civilization anyway?

Aren't there still people at war and being genodically killed? Aren't there still millions of kids going hungry? If so, that means there's plenty of more worthwhile things to strive to correct in this world, than what phrases we say during holidays that no one remembers the meanings of.

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I don't think attending college neccesarily ='s success. I know of.. one or two people who never went and made a good life being a career soldier for some company, or from their own inventiveness.. of course they got started back when companies rewarded loyalty and hard work and when people retired at the same job they worked at, got good at, and decorated for doing well, after 40 years. This was also a time when banks were eager to endorse good plans, and not just prey on people's funancial irresponsibility.

That era is.. pretty much over, and I would say higher education is a good weapon to have. But it's not absolutely neccesary.. as cunning and ingenuity and able bodies can still find a niche to exploit and profit from.. and there are plenty of people who graduate with a degree, in a useful profession even, and struggle to find work, much less build a career.

I would say that college provides... neccesary life perspective... from the people and ideas you encounter and have the opportunity to exchange and observe.. but it really depends on the person and their will to fight for what, ability to plan and tenacity at making things happen. It also depends on their ability to make decisions and apply what they have. There's people I know with no education who made their way, and a few who got degrees and attended college forever, and didn't hit the ground running, after.

Sticking with my signature philosophy.. a good soldier at life procures and makes use of all knowledge, skills and resources they happen across or gain access to. Though they are neccesary and often provide advantage, it is never the weapon that determines the outcome nor the likelihood of success, but the substance of which the individual, challenged with achieving it, is made.

In loose translation it means that one should, ideally, acquire all tools and knowledge they can but it's ultimately true that the person, more than what they know or possess, determines the success or failure of their life's course.

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There are many lives claimed in the great battle that is life on Earth. Boys, men and heroes lay alongside one another, claimed where last they stood in the fight. Each life is unfinished but their efforts carried on. Each essence is extinguished yet lives forever in memory of those who press on among their many fellows.

May he, who fought well, live forever. May he find, where he retires, what peace he sought but did not find, on Earth. May his fellows press on, that they may find peace, as well.  

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