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I notice that each time I make a mistake, whether it be in love or money or my education or my work, I don’t know how to move past it fluidly. When I feel like I made a mistake, or something fails to go the way Iplan it, it sends me back in time. I can’t help but recall and focus on every stupid thing, every misstep, every moment I wish I could do differently. I recall all those moments and then conclude that I am an awkward human being. Actually, I think I have known that for a very long time.Usually I accept my way was an inexorable part of who I am and I find myself exceptional in some way. Usually, I have high self-esteem as I acknowledge the way I am. But, in this context,I think of it in a way that I don’t accept about myself. At these times, I feel like a defective machine. I tend to sink into a depressed state that lasts for however long it takes me to come off the ebb and into the next high tide. I feel like I should be punished in some way for the stupid things I’ve done in life. In a way, recalling my entire life’s slate of errors every time I make anew one is a punishment. I definitely wish I knew how not do to that and how to avoid feeling like a worthless broken thing, while I wade through those memories.
I wish I knew how to truly accept and tank onward to the next thing. I’m reasonably certain this is something that occurs in a lot of people. I can’t assume that it’s just me that experiences this. I just wonder if I will ever come to a place in life when I completely accept the way I’ve gone through life. It’s not enough to think of the fact that all of the things I’ve done wrong and all of the ways that I am messed up are a part of what got me here. It’s not enough to think that everything happens for a reason. Maybe it’s because I haven’t gotten to that place when all the wrong turns amount to something profoundly right. At least I haven’t given up hope that place does exist and I will eventually get there. Rather, I don’t have the courage to give up. I’ve come too far to lay down. |
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So, I'm entering my 4th month in Shanghai.
I'm dug into a comfortable apartment which I shared briefly but now have to myself. I'm contemplating moving to another city, just because I can. I recently found out that I'm on a 90 day multi-entry, year log visa.. which means that my victory isn't gonna be as short lived as I previously thought.
There are a lot of difficulties that I have had here, but overall I don't regret for one second coming here.
Since I've been here, I've gotten lost, had my overdue dose of heartbreak, had the best pizza in several years and been in tons of awkward/scary situations.
What I face here is a brand new kind of difficulty, different hardships than before. What matters the most to me is that I left the time and place of hopelessness behind. All of what I'm experiencing here is endurable.
I will have to go back, eventually, but my visa here isn't over for a long time and I intend to use it all.
I have lost many important things but I would say that, overall, God has been good to me. I'm still not a religious person, but I think I've been at war long enough to know that I'm not solely responsible for my victory.
I would venture to say to anyone, without meaning offense to their beliefs, that life is truly 50% the path opened up to you and 50% your willingness to step forward into it. I can't say it with copious amounts of information to support it other than this is what I've experienced.
I was at war for 6 years, fighting my way out of a time and place of hopelessness to create a direction for my life to go. Things haven't gone completely according to plan but I am where I intended to be, all those years. Now that I'm here, more of the path is starting to reveal itself to me.
For the first time, I'm able to say that I know what direction I'm moving toward. Also, for the first time, I am not afraid to venture and make more small steps to see where I can go.
I have to leave here, every 3 months or so, though. And my first 3 months ended last week. So I took a trip.
I briefly invaded Hong Kong. What a place. No words can even describe the vibe there. It's the most universal.. international place I've ever been to. It was completely surreal to walk among people from literally every corner and cranny of the planet, all speaking English along side their native languages, hustling, bustling and interacting. I was only there for about 2 days.. but I think, if I don't go to Japan, I'll go to Hong Kong for a week, instead next time. I mostly ate Indian food, even though there was pizza and everything else. It was nice to eat something fried and crunchy yet still new to me.
I came back to Shanghai yesterday. I found a few treasures in this place, too.
One such priceless thing: I found out that the Pizza Huts in Shanghai deliver... which, for about a week, was dangerous as it is really good here...
While I'm here, I work any way I can and continue my studies. It's a lot easier to study now, without a billion distractions. It is a bit lonely here, but I've been lonely for several years so I think I'm functionally accustomed to that. I did make a lot of friends here :3. I had one relationship, which just kind of died on the table.
It's very hard to connect with people, on any level because most people here are just too busy. Which is cool, too. I imagine when I do finally get this degree finished (in.. damn.. still 2 years?!) I'll be just as busy and sapped for time as them.. only I'll be making 3-5x their wage. Which is sad, in a way.
I wouldn't say I've forgotten about my old life. I write back to my family often. I don't know if there's a peace* between us now, but there is definitely a new understanding. As far as I'm concerned, the war is over.
I will say I don't miss that life. I do miss seeing family, but I don't miss the past circumstances.
I'm here on a mission.
I'm here making something of myself. I'm affecting people's lives positively. I'm changing my life in a net positive way. I'm commanding every aspect of my destiny that I can control, absolutely. I'm surviving, making my own mistakes and learning from them. I'm adapting and growing. I'm going to some of the places that I always day-dreamed about. I'm in bombing distance of most of the others.
I'm documenting every worthwhile step of this because the children back home who have similar dreams as I did need to see it.
I always wanted to be the person to lead them out into the world they want to be a part of. Now, I have my shot.
This is what I always wanted. It's kind of a shame that I had to go 8,000 miles away to achieve that but I said from the start of the war, that that was necessary.
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I just sat through a completely loud and bright Chinese New Year celebration here. Fireworks everywhere. The displays here dwarf anything back home. It's understandable, this is the biggest holiday here. Everyone typically vacates the big cities to go home to their hometowns to see family. I'm pretty much the only one who fled their hometown. Consequently, I don't know many people here, at present.
I have been here almost a month, now, and have set up base in a pretty small but still lively part of town. Any given street here is crawling with people, going about their daily lives. It's very.. normal.. here. At least in this city, it's not the misery dispensing police state that media and people with armchair, NPR-back world views back home makes it out to be. There is a cop on every corner, justabout.. but they seem to be doing their job: patrolling and intervening when something does go wrong, like the random fisticuffs that do sporadically popup. Either that, or their not giving a damn about the average person.
I probably have to be the strangest thing people here have seen, but those in uniform don't give me shit. Not that I'm defending China but.. it's far different than what we seem to think, and you can only know that once you've been here and circulated in order to see that this place has ups and downs just like our place has em. The difference being that their hustle and bustle is alive and well.
I've so far managed to connect myself with all necessary resources and/or improvise. The CNY shutdown of most small restaurants I usually eat at has forced me to acquire things to cook myself; I shall be blowing up the kitchen tomorrow afternoon :D. The maiden dish: two varieties of skillet-fried shrimp.
I can't think of what besides salad I can eat as a side dish but this'll due. Everything resumes normal ops in about 5 days, but I think I'll try cooking more.
I have plenty of money to survive on. I'm still making it from back home, also. I've conquered the subway and have access to all my native not-getting-lost references. I also have a phone :D. They're way less of a hassle and mess to get, here.
I brought school with me, also. I aced another class last week but I don't know about the next class. You wouldn't think "Informal Logic" would be hard, but it's a challenge in comprehension most of the time. This might be another class that breaks my shuffle, to be honest. It doesn't matter, as long as I pass it. I was just trying to keep the A streak going. I bumped once in a class I didn't have to, already.
I think I've started this year, the right way. The last 2 things I did back home where to hand off a bunch of gifts that I spent a good deal of effort picking out. I got to see a lot of happy faces on Christmas day. I spent my last night with CT and Vanessa.
.. I left some premium icecream that they never ate, it seems. But we had dinner and drank quite a lot. Despite having tanked 6 shots of Disaronno, I woke the following morning, at about 4:30 AM, sharp and ready to go the last mile (or few miles) to the airport.
I've battled various forms of anxiety about all the things I'm not familiar with, here.. but overall.. I'm at peace, just for the fact that I left so many troubles behind and they are as distant as this place and today once were.
I'm having to relearn language, because I have no experience with "Shanghainese" (this dialect has a name, it seems).. and so my listening is totally thrown off. I'm able to interface successfully and speak understandably, at least.
I've written back home and have relatively few pictures, but it doesn't matter. What does matter is.. I'm now sure that this was the right thing to do.. and my next objective is to tough out the remainder of my studies here, so that I can keep the peace that I've fought for.
I still haven't found where exactly I'll settle and dig in further, but the invasion has only just begun.
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I have a moment of misappropriated time to discuss the events of the last 6 or so months. This time has been very... robust despite my not having written much during. To put it simply, I didn't feel up to it.
I said I'd take the war up a few notches and I did. I said I'd bring it to a close and I did. But that doesn't quite say everything of interest.
I don't remember where I left off, but I should mention that school is still going very well. Either it is very easy or I've evolved into a smart person but I've made straight A's this entire year. There are 2 more years to knock down but, at this point, I don't feel like they are especial challenges. I have had no positive support from family, although no one can say anything particularly bad about this personal choice, so no one has, yet. There's been plenty of criticism as to what I chose to study, but oh well. I committed to it already and won't deviate. I think, at some point near the start, people got that from my demeanor and have given up opposing. I will be finished with this degree in no time at all. That's all I have to say about that.
Oh yeah, I made the Dean's list for this semester. That doesn't mean very much inside me, but I guess it's worth mentioning.
I think the most interesting thing to happen this year was the wedding of two of my friends. That happened last August. Once again, I was called to lend what I couldn't afford to lend and I (foolishly?) did. This was to tie up loose ends that CT and Vanessa hadn't thought of or planned for.
The first time was to help pay for some operation and supplies for this little bugger:
My supposed Godson, Dominic, whom I've never met.. but who is alive and no longer afflicted of his birth condition because of what I ( and apparently I, alone, at the time) was able to help him get.
Both things lopped off large sums of money which I had been working for, by myself, for my own purposes. I have sacrificed every luxury possible and learned to do for myself what many people conveniently pay for, only to have my campaign stifled by a bad debtor.
My two thoughts about these things are conflicting. On the one hand, it appalls me that CT (and she) can just take from people with no inclination toward or guilt about his debts to people. It should be known that they borrowed considerably from a lot of people. To me, if they felt that strongly about each other, they should've just eloped and saved the ceremonial plans for.. whenever they could afford to have one on their own power.
It bothers me that they aren't pulling out all their device to make things right.
It bothers me the most because since before that and ever since then, they've borrowed endlessly for this and that, knowing what I planned to do and knowing it wasn't expendable to me.
On the other hand, the reason I reached into my pocket each of those times is because CT is one of the only remaining people I call friend at all and, although this last year he's been a pretty shitty one, it's one out of several years which have been generally good. The other reason is because this was an important moment for he and Vanessa. It wasn't the time to make a principal stand. Not over money, especially.
It only bothers me that his and their sense of obligation isn't as absolute. I don't think I regret the final product, this time, though.
I think that this is a dispute that will be unresolved indefinitely. I guess I'm fine with that.
The reason I'm fine with it is because I (believe I) have been rewarded for my brief selflessness. That and... admittedly, it's a beautiful thing to see unity happen and to see people you care about get something good in life.
One of the things I do feel is that they have one of things I want for myself. I'm glad to have been a part of that, I think.
As for my reward: One morning, this November, I woke up with another email from one of the grants I applied for. It was actually 3:30am when I noticed it and the other email from Sallie Mae, who handles the surplus funds from grants and financial aid.
The basic gist of the messages was that a couple thousand dollars had found its way to my bank account, not really doubling it in size but adding a very hope-restoring chunk. It gave me the motivation to go out and save a couple more. What I now have is a sizable fund to execute my intentions.
As a brief reminder, that intention was to leave here. And I certainly will. As another reminder, it has been a long time since that intention was dissociated from exclusively negative feelings. It's no longer about who did what to me, in this life.
It is about escaping to better circumstances. I live in a dead city, in a discombobulating country with nothing much to show for it but fairly bad memories. I have given peace a chance only to have it spat back in my face, earlier this year. I have found myself to be spiritually bankrupt as a result of the last few years. Of all the things that I just named, it is most important for me to change whatever I need to change in order to restore, in myself, the cleanliness and partial beauty that I know I once had and to exchange this self for the one which has been in control.. this uglier, mostly impenitent warlike being that I've become, though out of necessity.
So, at the end of last month, I filed for what will be the first of many visas to enter and reside a while, somewhere else. At the start of last week, I bought a flight to said place. I've now put my money where my mouth has been for the last 6 years.
I don't hate America. I've said for a very very long time, thought, that it wasn't meant to be, for me. A few things came along to change my mind briefly. Overall, everything that has happened since I first made that statement in my mind, over 10 years ago now, has confirmed the truth of it. I have failed in all my trying to find a home and to match myself to it. I am implicitly acknowledging that I am the one who's probably not been good enough to be here, thrive here, make life work out normally here.
So I have laid out another 5-year plan. One that returning to school was a part of. The reason I choose now to start moving is because everyone else seems to be moving on and up and I've done well as a start, but now I have to do something to add to the momentum. I also need to fulfill some obligations I have made and to secure greater peace for myself, while I'm able.
And now the moment I suppose anyone who's been following me has been waiting for:
The last steps to put and end to the conflict which has dominated my adult life and open a brand new chapter.. which for all I know might be saturated with comparable hardships.. begins at the end of this month.
December 30, 2011: The last day, for a very long time at the least, that I will spend on this side of Earth.
On the morning of the 31st, this chapter of my life and the war for high-ground that dominated it, ends for good. The next days, weeks, months and years will be written in terms of a different struggle: one waged not for liberation for for establishment and restoration. I will be up against new obstacles and face new difficulties and I will do it for a new purpose: to cut out a life to live, now that I have claimed the means to, at the cost of so much time and so many lost things.
There are those who thought me defeated, just because I grew less radiant and vocal. I let my actions say the last few words. There are those who've been unable to identify or sympathize with the state of war that I declared into being and followed through with.
On the 29th, which has been called by those who know about this as the time to celebrate, I will be asked to explain myself, and so I will. I've been asked to say my final peace about it. So, I will.
I will say my last words that I hope are heard by everyone left behind and still at war for their own day in the sun.
The next day, the march to victory will occur, in broad daylight. I will walk tall, with my face to the sun to look at it with a different look than I've had in any recent time.
I may or may not return here, to chronicle the next part of life. I may be too busy.
So, for those who've wondered, this is how the war ends. In final victory, at long last.
As a final word here, I may post what I say on the 30th. Then it will be goodbye, for now.
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I... don't think I could do it, personally.
I dunno, I don't handle break ups well because I'm not a person who rations their contribution to a relationship for sake of damage control.
I can only imagine how devastated I'd be after some woman that I love and poured everything into decides to leave. I can say I wouldn't have done anything to deserve it, as much as I might look back and magnify shortcomings to be equivalent.
:D I think that'd be the end of my pursuit of happiness for this lifetime. I can't imagine it'd be a worthwhile pursuit after that.
Some people can do it. I can't. I really don't understand why people get married on a whim if they quit as easily as people do these days.
My parents are divorced.. and they probably should be. They're pretty incompatible and both nuttier than a bag of paydays.
As far as I can tell, it only amounted to me having a distant relationship with my dad and an uncomfortably clingy one with my mom. I don't think I have any issues stemming from them being separated, since that's all I've ever known (they've been divorced since before I was born). I do have some issues with my relationships to them but I don't blame them being apart for that. They could easily have put more effort into normalizing relationships with me and I would never know the difference.
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