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There'd be nothing much I could do.
Some people would go run the streets, trying to save their lives or trying to get a precious few final moments of pleasure out of life. Others would go sit in their places of worship and pray to their God, either to save them or save their souls from the impending doom.
Can't says I blame them.
I'd close my eyes and go to that place I'd been trying to get to, for most of my life before then. I'd spend my last few moments there, having my peace... facing the end with some kind of dignity.
I'd be deep asleep, hoping that I get stuck there, in that place, when the end passes over my living body.
I'm not afraid of that day, whether it's the end of the whole world or just the end of my time on it.
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| I've seen it in a dream, once or twice before.
One big green hill sporadically lined with flowers that very nearly dwarf me in size.. a few hundred feet above and a dozen miles away from the nearest signs of civilization. It's a place with an intermittent breeze and a constant 77 degree temperature, day or night.
In this place, there is nothing but time. No schedules. No relationships. No worries. No money. No pining.
Nothing but the things I carry immediately on mind.. in a place with enough ambient beauty to put it all into proper perspective, and then file it aside in order to enjoy an indefinite moment of natural stillness & emptiness so complete.. that every single one of my synapses and brain cells not occupied with an involuntary function.. and even some of the ones that are.. can be used to process every last bit of sensory.. of light, sound and tactile sensation coming from the world around me.
Just maybe I'll allow.. one other person who's come to that place to seek out some peace to share mine with me.
That's my idea of paradise.
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I do not know what more to write. I do not feel well. The moments in which I do feel well are.. actually quite few in number. They happen.. they're just so rare.
I have several recurring thoughts & that's mostly all. I think about the time that has been lost. My thought about it is that.. I am nowhere close to where I should be, but it's now too late to start that race.. too late to backtrack and start this half of life, again.What I feel is that my only hope for eventual salvation lay in all-out pursuit of the specific time and place I wish to be.
What I know is that, for the moment, a cold night is coming. Things seem to have died between Nelly and I. Perhaps that wasn't so avoidable. It still seems like a shame but I'm mostly willing to admit things aren't salvageable between us. Hostilities between myself and family are resuming, unprovoked as always. I guess that was overdue but the long ceasefire was somewhat nice.
I am also just now recovering from a foot injury that damn near bled me out, 2 weeks ago. I can walk again, and I seem to have kept all my appendages intact, at least.
It's difficult, but not impossible, to acknowledge the positives in life.
It could just be the approaching winter, which anyone who knows me.. knows that to be a sap on my spirit; I expect to become inoperable, for the most part, although I have every intention of fighting it. I can just... feel.. that.. the war I've waged will be over soon. It hasn't gone on for long enough to forget what I'm out for.. but it has gone on long enough that.. so much, mainly precious time, has been lost.
I wish for an end to the fighting, right as it's gotten it's most intense. I am slowly gaining ground for my final attack. It will still take another year, maybe just less, to prepare. What I must adamantly insist upon, in that time, .. to myself and to those around watching.. including the God who sent me here unarmed.. is that I do not surrender & I will not be defeated. There is still a dream in my eyes.
I want to go home. I believe I know where it is. I knew, for years. I have finally come to a point where I can lend myself, fully, to the reaching of this place.
One thing I have learned while at war, is that change is as simple as putting one foot in front of the other.. and doing it. Doing this has taught me that it's OK to let go and watch for the path that comes, as you go along.
I have followed my instinct and begun to let go, some.. and just as I thought.. opportunities have begun to surface, forming an avenue that I will spend the next year or so traversing.
My one and only mission now, is to make it from here to the next objective. From there, I will refuel again.. and move on to the next objective. I will repeat this process... until I have made it home.
For me, this war has come down to just that. There is no reclaiming things lost. No achieving vengeance. There is only getting home. This is all that's mattered for a long time, now.
I will get there, in time.. and whosoever wishes to take it from me... or bar my way... had better be prepared to die at least as many times as I already have
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Guided only by the lessons learned since the start of the war and mindful of the cost that carrying it on in the ways that I have, for the reasons I have and to the end products I have sought, I can only come to one concurrent thought about it.
I have watched the flags of victory come up all around me; Each of my brothers & sisters has found either salvation, or their way to it. Yet, I remain at war.. having not held onto a single grain of sand or solace than I began with.
I do not know the reason. Not exactly. But, drawing from my own past, I know what may be required.
As far as I can recall, the closest I have come to final victory has always been when I was forced to lay aside all that I had and trade it for something else.. lunging myself, thusly, outside of my little world and into another completely unfamiliar one, where I could make my way.. starting from nothing.
Perhaps the only solution is, indeed, to tear everything down & start again. The alternative is to continue a war that I am not losing.. but not winning either.. or to turn tail and concede all my capitol gains, forsaking my will for peace.
Neither of those is acceptable. I've given too much time to the eventual acquisition of my statehood. I will not let that slip from my agenda. Not now. Not ever.
I just think it's time that my strategy changes. As previously stated, I intend to stop the buck this very year. 5 years I've lost to this. 3 of them in ascent from ruin, but internal descent.
I've learned that God.. or whomever is commanding this experiment.. makes a way to thrive if I will but have the courage to lay aside all in my possession to pursue that way. At least once before I've unintentionally tested that.. and here I sit. Not free.. but alive.. (which was all I could ask for, at the time).
And so, before the winter comes, I think that's what I'll do. Every sign or source around has been telling me to.
It's rather inconvenient that I would come to that conclusion now.. but better now than never.
I'll call it.. Operation Samson :).
Here goes.
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| Love is.... hmm...
The unconditional and willful surrender of what things need be forsaken in exchange for a state of fulfillment, utile living, for a gratifying sense of purpose, for a sense of the things bigger than oneself for access to a state of secret and sacred happiness, for small but spiritually important securities.
It is a set of privileges and responsibilities. A set of restrictions and a set of new freedoms. A path to salvation, yet an easy pitfall to complete oblivion at the same time. It is a lifestyle and a religion not at all of this earth or of man's design. It is the one thing worthy of one's devotion, fanaticism, hope and courage to dream. It is the power to live forever and do literally anything.
It is as wonderful an inception as it is a truly terrible weapon. It is a force that can take a person who has nothing and give them everything.. and likewise reduce a king of kings to ash.
It is the one thing a person can do to bring forth dimensions and capabilities from within.. even those propensities of which a person was previously not aware.
It is the most fearsome of all the emotions that should have stayed in Pandora's box. Love is the one thing that can either grant the one's given it eternal life.. and the one thing that betray it's master, leaving it for dead but still without permanent regret.
It is.. one of the few things on Earth who's power I've come to fear as much as I respect and admire it's beauty.
It is.. one of a few things I am still trying to conquer my fear of :).
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