I said I'd take the war up a few notches and I did. I said I'd bring it to a close and I did. But that doesn't quite say everything of interest.

I don't remember where I left off, but I should mention that school is still going very well. Either it is very easy or I've evolved into a smart person but I've made straight A's this entire year. There are 2 more years to knock down but, at this point, I don't feel like they are especial challenges. I have had no positive support from family, although no one can say anything particularly bad about this personal choice, so no one has, yet. There's been plenty of criticism as to what I chose to study, but oh well. I committed to it already and won't deviate. I think, at some point near the start, people got that from my demeanor and have given up opposing. I will be finished with this degree in no time at all. That's all I have to say about that.

Oh yeah, I made the Dean's list for this semester. That doesn't mean very much inside me, but I guess it's worth mentioning.

I think the most interesting thing to happen this year was the wedding of two of my friends. That happened last August. Once again, I was called to lend what I couldn't afford to lend and I (foolishly?) did. This was to tie up loose ends that CT and Vanessa hadn't thought of or planned for.

The first time was to help pay for some operation and supplies for this little bugger:

My supposed Godson, Dominic, whom I've never met.. but who is alive and no longer afflicted of his birth condition because of what I ( and apparently I, alone, at the time) was able to help him get.

Both things lopped off large sums of money which I had been working for, by myself, for my own purposes. I have sacrificed every luxury possible and learned to do for myself what many people conveniently pay for, only to have my campaign stifled by a bad debtor.

My two thoughts about these things are conflicting. On the one hand, it appalls me that CT (and she) can just take from people with no inclination toward or guilt about his debts to people. It should be known that they borrowed considerably from a lot of people. To me, if they felt that strongly about each other, they should've just eloped and saved the ceremonial plans for.. whenever they could afford to have one on their own power.

It bothers me that they aren't pulling out all their device to make things right.

It bothers me the most because since before that and ever since then, they've borrowed endlessly for this and that, knowing what I planned to do and knowing it wasn't expendable to me.

On the other hand, the reason I reached into my pocket each of those times is because CT is one of the only remaining people I call friend at all and, although this last year he's been a pretty shitty one, it's one out of several years which have been generally good. The other reason is because this was an important moment for he and Vanessa. It wasn't the time to make a principal stand. Not over money, especially.

It only bothers me that his and their sense of obligation isn't as absolute. I don't think I regret the final product, this time, though.

I think that this is a dispute that will be unresolved indefinitely. I guess I'm fine with that.

The reason I'm fine with it is because I (believe I) have been rewarded for my brief selflessness. That and... admittedly, it's a beautiful thing to see unity happen and to see people you care about get something good in life.

One of the things I do feel is that they have one of things I want for myself. I'm glad to have been a part of that, I think.

As for my reward: One morning, this November, I woke up with another email from one of the grants I applied for. It was actually 3:30am when I noticed it and the other email from Sallie Mae, who handles the surplus funds from grants and financial aid.

The basic gist of the messages was that a couple thousand dollars had found its way to my bank account, not really doubling it in size but adding a very hope-restoring chunk. It gave me the motivation to go out and save a couple more. What I now have is a sizable fund to execute my intentions.

As a brief reminder, that intention was to leave here. And I certainly will. As another reminder, it has been a long time since that intention was dissociated from exclusively negative feelings. It's no longer about who did what to me, in this life.

It is about escaping to better circumstances. I live in a dead city, in a discombobulating country with nothing much to show for it but fairly bad memories. I have given peace a chance only to have it spat back in my face, earlier this year. I have found myself to be spiritually bankrupt as a result of the last few years. Of all the things that I just named, it is most important for me to change whatever I need to change in order to restore, in myself, the cleanliness and partial beauty that I know I once had and to exchange this self for the one which has been in control.. this uglier, mostly impenitent warlike being that I've become, though out of necessity.

So, at the end of last month, I filed for what will be the first of many visas to enter and reside a while, somewhere else. At the start of last week, I bought a flight to said place. I've now put my money where my mouth has been for the last 6 years.

I don't hate America. I've said for a very very long time, thought, that it wasn't meant to be, for me. A few things came along to change my mind briefly. Overall, everything that has happened since I first made that statement in my mind, over 10 years ago now, has confirmed the truth of it. I have failed in all my trying to find a home and to match myself to it. I am implicitly acknowledging that I am the one who's probably not been good enough to be here, thrive here, make life work out normally here.

 So I have laid out another 5-year plan. One that returning to school was a part of. The reason I choose now to start moving is because everyone else seems to be moving on and up and I've done well as a start, but now I have to do something to add to the momentum. I also need to fulfill some obligations I have made and to secure greater peace for myself, while I'm able.

And now the moment I suppose anyone who's been following me has been waiting for:

The last steps to put and end to the conflict which has dominated my adult life and open a brand new chapter.. which for all I know might be saturated with comparable hardships.. begins at the end of this month.

December 30, 2011: The last day, for a very long time at the least, that I will spend on this side of Earth.

On the morning of the 31st, this chapter of my life and the war for high-ground that dominated it, ends for good. The next days, weeks, months and years will be written in terms of a different struggle: one waged not for liberation for for establishment and restoration. I will be up against new obstacles and face new difficulties and I will do it for a new purpose: to cut out a life to live, now that I have claimed the means to, at the cost of so much time and so many lost things.

There are those who thought me defeated, just because I grew less radiant and vocal. I let my actions say the last few words. There are those who've been unable to identify or sympathize with the state of war that I declared into being and followed through with.

On the 29th, which has been called by those who know about this as the time to celebrate, I will be asked to explain myself, and so I will. I've been asked to say my final peace about it. So, I will.

I will say my last words that I hope are heard by everyone left behind and still at war for their own day in the sun.

The next day, the march to victory will occur, in broad daylight. I will walk tall, with my face to the sun to look at it with a different look than I've had in any recent time.

I may or may not return here, to chronicle the next part of life. I may be too busy.

So, for those who've wondered, this is how the war ends. In final victory, at long last.

As a final word here, I may post what I say on the 30th. Then it will be goodbye, for now.

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