March 11, 2013

  • The Event

    10 days ago, my time in China ended and I came home on a relatively painless journey through Japan, California and back home.

    I didn't originally plan to come back to Detroit and up until today, I'd spent the time in a funk, missing the distant life of peace and a little-less luxury I just came from. That morning, I sent my girlfriend on her way to another city so she could make her way and I rushed to Shanghai, all the while not worrying about anything but catching that high-noon flight.

    I didn't feel any remorse or hurt about going our separate ways because I know I gave her enough money for her to land safely and I planned to come back, if there's anything to come back to.

    Since I've been here, I've felt a painful disconnection because I thought I was at rock bottom again and back at square one. A couple days ago, I started to emerge from jet lag and from that funk.

    But then, today happened. I've been back at what seems to be the family home for a few days now, and
    just as I come, I get to see my mother have a hemorrhage, panickingly carry her out of her bedroom and watch her get carted away. I then get to spent not more than 2 hours before I and my sisters are told that she'd has this hemorrhage, and it's an injury from which there is no viable recovery.

    A little later on down the line, she's given about 48 hours to live, if that long, because we all agree she shouldn't be intubated, as was her expressed wish a number of times.

    As I understand it I lost my mother on March 10, 2013. This is the event, and all I have to remember is that I panicked. I didn't get to her earlier than I did (even though I'm told that it would not have mattered exactly when I found her). She lost what I understood to be a busy, content little life, because I came back into it.

    That isn't logical, I know... but we kept contact frequently while I was in China and.. it seemed like she was living a hustle and bustle-some life and speeding toward happiness, and then I come back just in time to see it end.

    It hasn't hit me completely yet, but I said before that this was one of those events after which life changes irreversibly and I become a different person.

    Fights will be had. It's going to hit me like a ton of asteroids, sooner or later.

    I got a chance to say a prayer over her and I wished her off to find the peace and warmth that I believe waits for those who want it, when life is over.

    Right now, I wonder what is wrong with me that I'm not more impacted to tears, that I was able to wish her well as though I planned this moment for ages, and that I wasn't more vigilante on her well-being.

    I had my plans and I don't even know if God just changed them. My gut feeling is that everything's changed and I need to ...speed up whatever I'm going to do.

    I can't judge whether or not I brought a curse on this house. I'm not sad for my mother either. I'm sad that I didn't watch over her, that I went my way for a year plus and wasn't here to pull her back from this moment.

    But what's happened has happened and now she'll be off to the warmth and eternity that I've spent far too long of my little life conceiving, someday soon.

    The thing that makes me wonder about myself is.. I don't feel sad like I think I should. It's been hours and I'm still not crying. I'm wondering how this can be real, but the panic is past, and I said my peace to her at her bedside. I feel I need to honor her work for my life, as misunderstood as it might've been until this last year, by picking up and going on and being strong.

    Perhaps I feel this way, not grief stricken to tears, even happy for her... because she lived a long life of service and distinction to her loved ones, and I legitimately feel this is her moment to rest from it all. I feel like crying for her life would take this moment away from her.

    That's also why I gave her my prayer for peace. Nobody knows me deep enough to know that that prayer, that wish that she find peace and warmth... in the kingdom or the valley or the light ..wherever lies ahead.. I always held that for myself.

    I gave it to her, in case she could hear us and thinking that she might be terrified since she was fine yesterday and now laying and going and unable to respond today. If she was in there, I wanted her to have peace and to have my thanks and my love, and my promise to pick up and continue fighting for mine. I don't want her to be terrified of the suddenness. I don't want her to worry about her children or grandchildren. I don't want her to be scared to leave. I don't want her to be concerned with anything but going home, now that she's got the call.

    If you are one of those people who doesn't like mile long posts and yet is subscribed to me, let  this serve as a warning of the things to come. I have much to process. I'm gonna grieve eventually, and after that.. another high speed chase in my life is about to begin. You've been warned.

    Right now, I just want to concern myself with my mother, who's path through the mud, blood and toil of Earth is about come to an end and try to really believe that peace and warmth are her reward, the way that I said tonight and wish in my heart to be true.