April 24, 2012
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Erroneous
I notice that each time I make a mistake, whether it be in love or money or my education or my work, I don’t know how to move past it fluidly. When I feel like I made a mistake, or something fails to go the way Iplan it, it sends me back in time. I can’t help but recall and focus on every stupid thing, every misstep, every moment I wish I could do differently. I recall all those moments and then conclude that I am an awkward human being.
Actually, I think I have known that for a very long time.Usually I accept my way was an inexorable part of who I am and I find myself exceptional in some way. Usually, I have high self-esteem as I acknowledge the way I am.
But, in this context,I think of it in a way that I don’t accept about myself. At these times, I feel like a defective machine. I tend to sink into a depressed state that lasts for however long it takes me to come off the ebb and into the next high tide. I feel like I should be punished in some way for the stupid things I’ve done in life. In a way, recalling my entire life’s slate of errors every time I make anew one is a punishment. I definitely wish I knew how not do to that and how to avoid feeling like a worthless broken thing, while I wade through those memories.
I wish I knew how to truly accept and tank onward to the next thing. I’m reasonably certain this is something that occurs in a lot of people. I can’t assume that it’s just me that experiences this. I just wonder if I will ever come to a place in life when I completely accept the way I’ve gone through life.
It’s not enough to think of the fact that all of the things I’ve done wrong and all of the ways that I am messed up are a part of what got me here. It’s not enough to think that everything happens for a reason. Maybe it’s because I haven’t gotten to that place when all the wrong turns amount to something profoundly right.
At least I haven’t given up hope that place does exist and I will eventually get there. Rather, I don’t have the courage to give up. I’ve come too far to lay down.
Comments (3)
Well the way you wrapped-up the post is great and what matters. While recalling my mistakes, I remind myself that I am a different person now so no need to punish myself for something the ‘old’ me have done. I’m still accountable for said mistakes but without the regret which helps my present self focus on the now instead of the past.
And thanks for introducing new words to me @inexorable and erroneous. Appreciated!
@nov_way -
I’m definitely good for new words =). I use a lot of needlessly huge words when I try to articulate thoughts.
Also, Usually this it the way I always wrap things up. I start off thinking of what a fuck-up I am, and end it just concluding that some day I’ll be ok with that LOL.
Just that so many things happen that make me wonder why I can’t ever be a little more dauntless. I haven’t gotten to that place, or found that thing or met that person that makes me feel … completely ok with the way I or my circumstances turned out yet.
Only reason I don’t feel any worse is because there’s still time for that to happen.
=)