I'd want to be famous for.. something I've created. Maybe.. the fully produced album versions of the music I've written over the years.. or.. the 2 or 3 books I've written and kept to myself all this time. Or maybe a culmination.. some sort ob final project entailing all my creative talents. Fortunately enough, I have one in mind that I've slowly expounded and built upon over the last.. 2 or 3 years. You'll see it within the next couple .

I don't know if I'd necessarily want to be famous for it. Maybe simply famous; "That's the guy who/wrote/directed/ built such and such". It'd be a handy but hopefully not burdensome association for my family, I think.

Rather than be famous.. I want to know that I put something nice on this planet that took.. all of my energy and imagination and even some of my blood and tears.. something for people to have and hold, during this time where... even art is becoming industrialized and not as heartfelt, individual or.. really meaningful as history has taught us that it was during all the major Renaissances in human history.

Great artists are so few in our time, though I know there's many who'd disagree, and I have lived my life in such a way that I see everything in 56 million colors and endless harmonics at virtually all times.. even the things that maybe are truly black and white and monotone. This is why I can't help but want to.. snatch a place as a .. great... contemporary artist. I'd become that with the things I create.

I suppose this is actually a tangible thing. It might well be something I can manage to achieve, I think. We'll see what happens after my life completes its state of war and transitions back to the way it was... back to the way I was when my talents were stronger and my feelings, besides the mostly negative ones I've run on as fuel the last few years,.. return.

This process is already beginning, though.

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It'd be something relevant. I could think of quite a few good ones.

First Man from Mars, Emperor's House, Guinea Man's Run, Earth vs. Me, House of Chords, What to Do if You Get Lost on Earth.

Any of those would do.

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Private Reuben: "I'm just saying, this seems like an unnecessary risk considering our objective, sir."
Captain John Miller: "Our objective is to win the war".

The quote seems relevant.

It's tempting to think that there's some great purpose for my life.. and I used to have a number of big intentions. I still do have some of them.

I guess it would depend on how you define a purpose or a great purpose. Mine might be.. to takeover the world or.. die in the next world war, saving a half dozen lives in the process.. or.. to create lots of art and music for everyone within reach to enjoy.. or to raise up a beautiful family, bringing my own unearthly love into the lives of some woman and the children we bore.

It could be all of the above, or none. I could die the next time I walk out that door, for that event to serve as a monument to the sins of a select few others on this planet .

I'm.. not sure what I'm here to do. I do know there's a number of things I'd like to do, before my time here is over. I don't think any one of them is a sole purpose.. other than the collective purpose being to do something with the time and the life that I've been given. Doesn't matter what something.. just more than nothing.. and more than living in contempt of that gift.

To liken this to my specific take on life.. I don't think anyone has a purpose when they get onto this battlefield. Not to.. do something stupid but heroic. Not to.. defend anything but what's truly in their hearts. Not to earn any medals or other rewards of distinction. From day to day, I tend to only think of two things, as I negotiate this life: Live to fight another day. Make it home, to tell about it, one day.

What happens between now and then doesn't matter much to me, so I hardly see important or purpose in it, if not pursuant to those two general objectives.

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I am.. probably the most unique person ever, this way.

Note that there are very few people on this Earth towards which.. I am remotely affectionate. There not that many who can say they've been.. hugged or.. kissed or embraced by me.

Literally.. I can count the number of people and times I've kissed.. on one hand. I don't really like to kiss. Not because it doesn't feel nice.. but because.. I've never felt secure in one.

I remember my first one. Was a few years ago... the first.. real one.. and it was every bit of time stopping heaven that I always thought it would be.. to feel that person's lips.. and be lost in the moment, not particularly caring if it stops. Believe me, people.. a kiss is more than just the biological connection. There's a spiritual quality to it that cannot be simulated nor learned in any way, other than firsthand experience. Or maybe it's just that way when you share a connection with that person.

However... that time and every time since, I always sensed the other person's calculation. I always sensed them.. measuring me, against the other people they've kissed... against their own expectations... against any number of other things. It's made me not want to kiss them again until I can.. forget they're judging it. I'll be the first to admit I don't like being measured or judged when I do something that is, in my view, supposed to be radical.. abstract... highly qualitative and.. in no way quantitative.

So.. I like to kiss.. but I don't like the politics that most people put around kissing.. and so far, kisses have always come in the form of standardized tests. So, It's been a few weeks since I've done so.

Most times, though, I do like to hug. I have a different hug for each person and each relationship to me that they have. Each person's hug is unique. Mine are different than anyone's and theirs from each other's. Mine tend to be strong and encompassing.. even to close friends. More so to people closer. My objective therein is to... supply that person with as much connective warmth and security as possible. A hug is my most universal statement of personal value, to me.. so when I give it.. not only will it be warm and encompassing but taylor made, to each person's specific needs.

Some people need to be touched more, some longer, some people require handling very gently, some people.. very securely.

Aside from that, the most unambiguous way to.. express my affections toward people is to tell them. This is one reason that I've gone through great painstake to reconnect with myself.. because it's only then that I can dig each and every word that applies to a person and tell them. By now, I've learned the value of telling people, with every moment that I have an opportunity.. how I feel toward them.

I learned at the cost of some friends who have died or drifted away, partners whom I can vividly remember not taking the time to celebrate the way I did inside.. and.. various other bonds to which I am no longer privy.

I learned that.. if you don't tell people.. or show them.. then they never know, inside, that you care for them. I've lived to regret various unexpressed and unsaid things.. and in response have come to develop these and other various.. unique means of expressing my affections.. that the people around me.. particularly those to which I've recently reopened my heart.. know.

I encourage all people to become artistic and gratuitous in their expressions of affection, too. If there is one thing this planet and the lives of everyone on it needs.. especially given the hard times at hand and those still ahead, it's a little more love. 

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I've had the winter to sleep. Much has happened. Much has not happened. Needless to say, it's because of what hasn't happened (and also what will happen) that I am still at war. It's also because of what has happened that.. I am still at war.. and will return to action soon, with a renewed ferocity.

This is a vague statement, I know.. but I'm unable to describe every specific event that's happened nor every single change. Suffice it to say that while I sat in the dark and cold, for these last few weeks, I kept hope alive.. and I have found that not to have been in vein.

I've had the time to think of what it is I seek. As I said before, I often have to remind myself why I do.. practically everything I do, most notably this state of war that I've maintained. I also find myself having to justify it also.

Anyway.. previously, I was only able to articulate it in a set of words; things like freedom and life and sovereignty. Those are the things I'm after, but recently I've been able to find a single word that says it all: Constitution.

A short while ago, I woke again, no doubt with a terrible resolve. As a result, a fresh offensive is coming.

It's been planned, while I slept*. It will begin, this week, and so.. expect progress reports, for a while . 

As to the scale.. Boston will be a grade school play's dress rehearsal, by comparison. It's my intention to put a swift end to this war and all conflicts therein, by the coming summer, and so that's what I'm setting out to do.

Admittedly, there's been a relative peace, but that is coming to an end. That, in concert with other, more positive developments, is why I've awakened.

My apologies to all those who'd expected the fighting to have ceased.

There will be a day for that, too.

Not today, though.

Uhhh.. lesee..wasn't prom.. (didn't go, since I couldn't go with my gf at the time, and didn't wanna be alone, nor rent-a-date.. which turned out to be a disaster for a lame guy I knew who did that XD. I also didn't wanna hang around the lames at OPHS if I wasn't gonna have good company).

When I was at Renaissance High, I used to use.. every lunch time horeshitting around in the band room with the jazz band.. playing random club music.. and everyone would come eat their lunch and watch us...

And then came my very favorite night.. I dont remember what exact day it was, but it was one night in February 2004, at some sort of school festival. I had put together a band, and completed a song, about half a week before. We were opening for the school's Jazz band. About half my people didn't show up, but all the instrumentation did, so it came out just fine.

My dad and.. I guess you could say in-laws were there to see it. Neither of my sisters or mother or other family, though. I didn't even know they were there.

It turned out very well.. so well people walked out after us, and before the jazzband XD.

First and only public performance of a Don Spartan original song .
   

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Where do I find peace? In my dreams.

Where do I find respite?

Inside a bottle, or in my bed. There are no other but these places for me to go, now.

But I've been at war for years to find that.. Earthly place.. in the living, breathing world.. where all of it* does manage to go away.

The whole time, I've been asking myself if I am as Jason, or as Alexander, in the pursuit of this place of peace.

I've also asked myself, time and time again, if such a place exists.. and I constantly evaluate whether or not I believe in it.

I still don't have a definitive answer, yet.

I'm patient and tenacious, though. So, one day, I will have an answer.
  
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Of the few places I've been, my most unforgettable road trip was to the suburbs of Boston, MA. I had business there that couldn't wait a second longer.. Long story short, I met, held and lost my first love and best friend, at the time. I connected with people like family. I scaled 80 degree inclines on a daily basis. I flew for the first time. I saw the ocean, for the first time. Along the way, I realized things I should have known long before, some too late and some not too late.

I met strangers of all kinds. I met family I never had. I walked in the rain. I walked in the night. I did not expect to survive. Indeed, I did not.

I lived and died, both for the first time, there. And I went home with a sense that the adventure had just began. That particular thought is why, despite the ugly details of what happened there, I regret little to nothing about that affair, today. I lost a battle for something important, and I knew I would lose it before I ever left. But it was important for several reasons.. reasons only I seem to understand.. that I go through with it. I have tried, eversince, to forget the specifics and live in the lessons I took home from that trip.

It changed me in ways I can't quite describe other than to say that .. a different person came home than the one who left. I'll always remember this time, in a mostly pleasant context because this is the one time where.. things happened.. and for a precious few moments after the too many lifeless years I'd lived before it, I lived... died, and reported home for refitting and reconditioning.

Everything is different, now. I am different now. I am thirsty for more experience of this kind. When all is said and done, I am glad I chose to do it.

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I don't observe a ..popular religion, that is,.. you can't group me with any current group known or accepted in the world, but I DO practice a sort of religion.

Before anyone asks, yes I do believe in a God, though my personal religion isn't what I'd call theisto-centric. My interpretation of God makes more sense to me than does that of any and every major religion known, and it's based much differently, and with much less mysticism and tall tale.

The religion I practice invests in the absolute truth, and thus it starts from nothing, and is all about learning, extroversion and introspection. I don't come into it knowing everything about everything, but learning everything about everything, and little by little figuring out what might be, later to be discovered.

Before coming to this path, I.. was raised part of my life with Christianity, and most of it was spent raised under the influence of American Islam. I got to that ages when 2+2= Sometimes equals 5 started not to make sense, and when the inconsistancies, conflicts and overall fundamental audacities of modern religion became acutely apparent.

All due respect to those who practice religion faithfully, especially those who use it the right way.. as a guiding and enriching force in life, I find that seeking and piecing together the absolute truth is the truest path to salvation on Earth or wherever else we end up.. and I don't think it can be approached within a religion that teaches absolutes that no human can possibly know, from sources that have suffered heavy dilution and perversion, assuming the original writings are even as divine word as we believe they are. I think it can only be approached from a standpoint of not knowing, but trying to discover it.

That's what's lead me to pursue spirituality, knowledge and enlightenment with the particular direction I have. It's lead me to all the same moral questions and answer sessions, along with some interesting theories on the big subjects (cuz that's all anyone on Earth really has), and hopefully I'll get to take time to explore them, because that to me, is how you arrive at the things you want to really learn.

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