You're the last person I expected to speak to again.

You were only trying to connect again. I knew that, somewhere along. But, to me, it feels like you're the princess and I'm the bum to which you're doing this.. community service, by stopping to feign caring. That's how it's felt since you left me.

Some of me knows that maybe you actually do.. but the way you show it doesn't translate well, anymore.

You asked me all the wrong questions to which I could offer no positive answers, without lying. Life is not going well. No part of it. Especially recently.

I lost money, Rachel freaked out and isn't speaking to me, and I've gotten more irritated with family. I am getting that trapped feeling. I just passed through a self destructive phase. This is my life. It's my day and my night. It's never changed.

The one thrust out of it I took landed me back in it. I've been ultra-aggressive, pursuant to getting back out, ever since. This effort goes back and forth, but it's yet to favor one way or another.

That's my uninteresting little kampf. I'm sorry if it differs greatly from what you know, or what you expected from me (though, I don't see how. I fought every day, the same way, when I wanted to get to and be with you. Life was a was a morning jog through epic-sized shit fields, then, too.. but my eyes were always on the prize and I did what I had to, until you took it away).

Would you rather I lied to you? That's what most people do. How many times to I have to show and tell you, though, ..that I am not most people?

I thought you'd had enough of people doing that to you, anyway.

You irritate me when you look down on me. It makes me angry when anyone does, but especially you. You're still judgmental and it shows, even when you're trying.

Nothing is positive about me or my life now.. accept for the things I silently hope for. If you'd bothered to ask about those things, you'd have gotten more green sunny beauty than you could've shaken a stick at.

It's just that there is very little beauty or pleasantry of which to speak, in my life. There hasn't been, since you went away to someone else, and from what I understand, several someone elses.

The truth, pathetic as you might find it, is that I am still at war. At war for what? (Which you've also never bothered to ask). Some tangible measure peace, onto which I can hold. The rest of life can throw whatever it wants at me, once I have that.

I will be at war until I reach that peace, or until I am run dry of fighting spirit, whichever comes first.

Why do you look down on this? Why can't you understand it? You gave me the first reasons to fight for life. You also did the final thing that brought it out of me, in the intensity it is in now. Your actions also killed the peaceful, loving, passive and decent parts of me. You were there, the day the fighter in me was born, both times.

Well, despite what you think, I am stronger now. I am better. I am a better me than I have ever been.

Anyway, my point isn't to say how much you pissed me off, just now. You
did, trust me. But I also wanted to apologize for being such an ogre.

Ask me the right questions, next time.

We never did come from the same worlds but you're dead wrong when you say we have nothing in common.

We've both changed, yes, but the above statement is false.

Edit: So.. having thought about it.. I realized how much the above sucks as an apology. You made me angry.. and I guess I let that spillover.

Some people I've talked to around the way, though, have made me realize some things about that incident, on my side.

Yes, you did sound judgemental toward me. You probably weren't doing it on purpose, so I shouldn't have even escalated that. You caught me in the dead middle of a bad week. I was in no condition for an interruption. Simple as.

I am still in the dead center of a concerted effort which is taking alot of my energy and pretty much limiting some of my higher functions. So yes, I'll ask that you observe an understanding of that.. but beyond that.. I realized that,.. if I don't try to not be such an angry and defensive person, one of these times.. you might never come back.

I can't stand the way you put this.. fence of boundary or uncommonality between us, lately.. and when you don't say anything for months at a time. It really does make me feel like this.. unworthy animal, or..forgotten pet that you're checking in on, though you definitely know you could be using your time better.

 I do start to feel like it doesn't matter if you don't speak ever again. I don't really want that. That's not anything spiteful.. but you have to understand.. you were my best friend for so many years that.. it still isn't easy to adjust to being.. off that frequency. I've tried my hardest not to get attached. For all I know, that could have been it, though.

I'm heavy handed and pessimistic and cautiously optimistic now, because that required of me, in my world, most times. I have to be that way in order to work.. to succeed at it.. and just to keep staying alive.. and caution isn't so much a requirement. I know you have some idea what that feels like. Maybe not to my extremity, but you should. You've been through enough.

I suck at apologies. Obviously. This might not change anything. It doesn't change the fact that I am here, you are there and we don't have much in common because we live two different types of lives in two different types of ways and in two different worlds. That was always true, though.. and we got pretty far on it.. so is it actually true that we don't have anything in common?

 Even if it is, I wish you wouldn't point that out so often and right off, because it isn't what I see, right off. Rather than.. highligting how you changed, my first instinct is to just talk.. accepting however it is you sound. I only ever see the best friend I lost to all her efforts to disconnect and the one I was supposed to be with, in the end, when I see you.

It's nothing too fanatic, now.. but those are the deepest feelings from inside who.. started being there ages ago , when you helped put them there, and just haven't seen the light of day, in the name of all that is orderly, eversince you ended things.

Once again, I have gone off track. It doesn't matter. It only takes a line or two to say what I should have while I knew you were listening a couple days ago.

I won't feel any better until I tell you I'm sorry. I am. It's hard to tell when anything I say means anything to you, anymore. This particular thing, I have to say, though.

At some point, I'll find the nerve to tell you myself, though.

Edit: Just one other thing: I will admit, you're right. My life is what it is.. but I should be more positive about things. This is hard to do when you're doing what I am surrounded by what I am.. but I did always say that difficulty was nothing.. so maybe I should try more at being positive.. because I do recognize that the negativity is destroying me, just as much as it's doing what I need it to.. at least.. now that someone I consider nonpartisan has made me think about it, really.

So, again, I'm sorry. And thank you for that.. and for trying. I'll do my best to cleanup my act at some point before our little visit.

I wouldn't know. I've never cheated on anyone. I never will.

I've only ever been cheated on and left for other people (more than once). The only thing I can think of is that people don't really love eachother in the first place...or rather.. the person that left didn't.

I mean because... if you do.. then nothing can convince you to leave someone you love. Got a problem? Work it out. Don't like something about your partner? Learn to accept it and love it. Can't stand something they do? Talk it out and tell them. Someone who really loves you will consult all those lines of defense. I know, because I've done as much.. and never cheated, dated on the side, slept around, taken breaks as an excuse to do so.. no dirty dressed up bullshit like that.

Why? That's not what you do, when you love someone. It doesn't mean you have to stay and be miserable, though I personally try to and have never been "miserable", no matter what sucked about the other person. But.. there is no excuse at all, other than utter selfishness, whorishness and piggishness.. to cheat.

So.. if something can get you to make a change of relationship.. or if your heart "changes direction" so much that you find yourself in bed with/dating someone else.. then it's pretty simple: You didn't love the person you were with... and it means you're pretty selfish to express your displeasure with what you have/desire for something else that way.
 
That's the way I feel. If you can't tell, my opinion is what it is, because I've had  lots of experience being on the business end of cheating.

I just answered this Featured Question, you can answer it too!

Well.. as a man.. I'd do two things: Scream outloud in terror....and then call Guinness.. because I'd be the first pregnant male on Earth. Yea, that other one didn't count because, regardless of how the media hyped it up.. thawas not a male, much less a pregnant male... it was only a woman who got a sex change, wherein she looked like a male, and then got pregnant. Apparently, her reproductive organs weren't removed, so it was still possible for her to concieve.

Remarkable as I'm sure the experience of pregnancy is.. that wasn't worth the attention it got (considering the media doesn't feel every other mother going through their first pregnancy is worth the same attention), cuz they simply made it out to be something it wasn't.

ANYWAY... back to the question.. if I were a woman.. and I'd got myself pregnant, unexpectedly or unwantedly, ..whatever.. I'd have it anyway, unless it's gonna threaten my life, physically, to do so.

Whether or not I kept it, after it's born, would depend on my ability to care for it. If I can, it's mine and I'm gonna keep it because I did the do that makes those things happen.. that and it's MY baby :3.

If I can't .. then I'll give it to someone who can and who wants a child.

As you maybe can tell, I am against abortions as a means of birth control, accept only in cases where the sex that made the child was unconsentual.. cuz otherwise.. that's not fair to the baby.. or baby-to-be.. to kill it for any reason other than you didn't choose to concieve it or that it's birth will kill you.

There's plenty enough options other than just aborting fetuses.. for people who have babies and can't care for them or don't want them, cuz there's plenty of others who would love to have it, who can't have their own.

Children are a gift, so if I had one coming and couldn't manage it, I'd pass the gift on.. cuz even if I'm so selfish as to simply not want something I concieved.. it still deserves to live, be wanted and loved and cared for. It deserves the gift of life and someone who deserves the gift of parenthood is easily accessible.

So that would be my first move.
   

I just answered this Featured Question, you can answer it too!

   Yes it's true. I am living proof that what doesn't kill you, definitely makes you stronger, in the end.

I have survived civil war, domestic violence, heartbreak, homelessness, and several other hard trials.. and here I am.. dead only inside, at the most.. but very much living, outside.

If you are strong enough to survive any given thing, it will leave you with medals of virtue, earned in the process, and scars of each individual memory.. all of which will be testiments to your survival, and idols of your story.

I just answered this Featured Question, you can answer it too!

Hm.. whole lot.. let'see..

God helps those who help themselves. I then might have found my philosophical clarity sooner.

Gradeschool really was useless, but the best grades are not. I then might've got half

In the end, everything you do has to be done for you. I, then, might have been more assertive toward the pursuit of my own happiness and not lost so much time pursuing that of others .

Don't give up on your dreams for anything or anyone. I then might be living mine or much closer to doing so.

99% of the people who tell you they love you wont truly mean it. I then might not have put myself in the situations that gave me such a bad heart or shaken beliefs about love today.

There's books and books of information that I couldn't possibly cover in anything less than a book, here.. but those are a few of the general lessons.

I haven't had much lifetime, yet, but the score I have has been.. chock full of nuts and lessons I really wish I'd known sooner that I do now. The worst part about it is that there's no going back to.. undo the damage or.. cultivate a better, more prosperous me, today.

Actually, let Michio Kaku (lookup this name, if you don't know it.. real interesting stuff) tell it, there is, but still not in this instance of time.

I do know one thing that I know now that stands to make for a better future. I feel like, at the end of my total defeat in war, the best thing I can do now is.. walk a little slower.. be a little more attentitive.. and a little smarter with each day. Yesterday might be gone but.. tommorow can always be better.

I just answered this Featured Question, you can answer it too!

My questions would be as follows:....

1- Do you looove me? (Doo you love me)?

2- Now, Do you looove me (Doo you love me)?

3- Do you looove me (D00 you love me), noooow that IIIII can Daaaaaance (dannnnnce, DAAAANCE)?

(Watch me now, HEY!).

That... would ....about ....do it. I'm one to go through the front door with matters of the heart :3. Life's too short to waste time on questions that don't matter.. but there's just enough time and space for the questions that do matter.

I just answered this Featured Question, you can answer it too!

That one's easy. Boston 2006. It almost disturbs me how often this comes up, but it's like I lived the most around this one thing in life, and that's where the most happened.

There is a long long and bloody story to it, but the gist was that I went off the defend.. I guess the integrity of a relationship that had fallen apart. It was ..more than everything.. more like the only thing to me, at the time. But it seemed to go all wrong.

I never expected to come out of it alive or with what I set off for, in fact. I knew before I ever went that I already lost.. but I went on the principal of the promise I'd made to do so, some time before it.

Anyway.. what was so humiliating about it is that.. I didn't seem to say anything I should have.. all my principal statements rendered incorrectly.. and she missed the point, or didn't care.. one or the other.. of everything I said or did.

What I ended up looking like, apparently, was a lunatical baboon... someone who didn't belong... and wasn't really welcome. Everything from her reactions and doings to the general atmosphere where I crash landed.. told me that I had chosen the wrong fight and by all means should not have. I at least hoped that I would be remembered for what I did.. that I'd stand out in memory, 100 years later. I wanted every statement I made to at least stay with her.. and none of that happened. It didn't take a whole year for me to be forgotten and surpassed.

Previous to that, I don't recall ever being "humiliated".. but that was my first experience with being so. Like I said before, though, I learned a lot from this experience.. and I took lots of.. good things from it. My first real taste of defeat in this life.

What I do now is try to forget it. I guess I can't really.. but it's not so bad, now. It's been some years. I still think about her from time to time, but I don't dream of anything around then anymore. The nightmares are finished. It doesn't make me angry anymore. I remember it only as the first time I stood and fought.. and died.. for what was mine on this planet. I've been doing that, eversince.

Actually, the humiliation therein, didn't mean much, to me. I don't really embarass so easily. I only felt humilated after realizing that I did all that in complete vein. There's a
number of things that I could've suffered humilation for, even if
things had gone the way they were supposed to. I wouldn't have minded, so long as there was something worthwhile for which I suffered it.

The one thing that it does do is leave me unsure what to do, the next time I am made to fight for what's mine. Humilation doesn't feel good.. but knowing you did all you could does. On the one hand, I never want to feel pain or humiliation .. or be made insane like that again. On the other, I feel like my first choice will always be to stand and fight and give truckloads of hell, when it's provoked from me. Actually, the next time.. I won't spare expense.. or wait to be provoked .

The next time, I'll be the one inflicting collateral damage.. and whosoever comes to take my home from me will have to take it from my cold, dead, hands, if they should survive long enough to do so.
   

I just answered this Featured Question, you can answer it too!

Ionno.. something light, so I don't smell (as much) like a dead animal after I've died.. and something I enjoy.

Maybe a big plate of California rolls. I think I'd need that time to reflect on life, so it'd be something I have to articulate and eat slowly, like that.

I think.. I'd be thinking about every moment that brought me to that specific failure in life, why I did what I did to get there.. and trying to find some sense of remorse.. so that whoever's left in the wake of my wrongdoing can have that consolation along with the retribution that'll come with my execution.... and so that I could at least try explaining some of it to God, when I get to see 'em, afterward.

So.. every bite or.. roll I consume.. I'll enjoy their freshness.. and treat it like the fresh, cool, greenness that I'd wish I had achieved or gotten a hold of, in life. After I've sorted everything out, I'll eat the last one, put on a straight face.. strip every bit of unfinished life I have of it's importance, so that I won't fear anything or try reisting like a coward and I'd listen to the passage being read to me. After that hour or so, I'd go forth to face the music.

I just answered this Featured Question, you can answer it too!

Well, much as I hate to keep leading everything back to it, I'd have to say that the single most important event in my life, so far, was the time I got my heart cracked in half.

I'll tell you why. Bad of an experience as it was, there is one reason I have found to be thankful for that happening.

See, a lot of my life previous to that I guess left me with a lot of resident anger that I guess I'd stored up or brushed aside or something.. but I guess that was the straw that broke the camel's back for me.. and though the experience itself left me kind of a vengeful, fragmented wreck, initially.. it did also inspire enough outrage for me to... become more aggressive at everything in life.

Like a thunderstorm, everything of that moment.. being betrayed by the woman I loved.. and of every moment back home before that.. which comprised of.. years of civil war at home....came down on me. I went crazy, just a little.. I cried for the first real time in my adult life and the only time eversince.. and at the end of it.. I got angry. Nothing's been the same eversince I finally felt my first taste of real outrage. I changed everything after that, for the worst.. and eventually for the better.

I turned myself into as much of an unstoppable force as I could become.

Because of that change, things are different. I am different. I never did make it to the happiness I had sought in and through that relationship.. and I didn't get to enjoy it for long, because until the last days of it, it was carried over a long distance for the most part.. but the end of it fueled me with everything I needed (a sufficient amount of anger and mutant resolve) in order to spend the next few years fighting tooth and nail, with much different tolerences for pain, much less tolerence or passiveness toward the things that made me angry, and much more resolve than I was able to summon forth previous to that moment.

I would say that, though it cost me something of... immeasurable importance.. and because I lived to.. take what I could from it.. memories.. lessons... my first and last moments of reward.. and the anger I felt over the loss.. this is the event that's made me what I am today. It's not that long ago.. but I don't believe I will ever forget it.

I just answered this Featured Question, you can answer it too!