This is a.. tough one.

I have plenty of bad memories. A lot of them are fairly distant blurbs of images I can remember.. so they don't really stick out today.. I just remember that they happened. I remember and I never forget. To the day I die I won't forget the things that have happened at home, nor.. the things I grew up dealing with.

The last really bad memory I have is getting cheated on and dumped.. by not just anyone..but someone I loved. And.. the first thing that comes to mind is that I would erase this, on account of.. it's what unlatched my temperment.. and enabled me to.. really feel outrage.

As bad as the particulars were, I consider that unlatching a gift. I think.. that experience gave me feelings and put me in positions that I hadn't been used to.. and... some of those are things that I've needed to feel. They've.. better prepared me to face a world full of.. cutthroating and just as many people you can't trust and so forth. Not to say it made me paranoid, but it woke me up to the fact that.. there are people who will hurt you, if you allow them to.
I'm not really saying she was, but.. what she did.. changed my perception of reality, and people overall.. and not..negatively.. but more.. real.

Still, I wouldn't erase these memories. I would like to..erase the pain that they've caused.. and some of the anguish that's still seething in me.. from year and years ago up to present. But I wouldn't change these events or strike them from my memory.. because when I do that, I also sacrifice the lessons they taught. I sacrifice the reminders of what I don't want to experience again. I lose the.. triumph of recovery. Yes, the one thing about pain is that, it can also bring good feelings. Namely those of recovery and return to innocence.

These memories have left scars, but... each scar is one of experience and exposure. And each scar means I survived. Each ach and pain and nightmare.. was the stimulus that taught the lesson and burned it into memory.
The fires behind me, in which.. everything from golden years to earlier held dreams lay charred.. remind me of what I'm out to build.. and how it will be different than what's behind me. They teach me how to protect what I make and who I include in what I build. They outline every mistake I have made that brought the wrath of consequence and repercussion down on me, that I don't make them again.

So.. I wouldnt' erase the memories.. because they are of incalculable value and importance, even though they hurt.
   

I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!

Well, for society to be so obsessed with perfection, ..it sure is tragic that it has no fucking clue what "perfect" nor "perfection" is. That makes it tragic that it projects what it thinks is perfection on young people. Not just women.

But, let's just talk about women, since that's what the question asked, and.. women are more often the victims of societal expectations, so it's only fair to contribute extra direction, towards attainable.. quality of productivity and goodness and beauty, for them.

Let's start with correcting who you look up to. You should not..be looking up to pop stars and models.
Not just because the ones they put you in front of are store-bought, trend-led lawless social deviants... but because they are not leaders. They are people who have bent and twisted and niped and tucked the way the world told them to, and made it, in part because of that. Sure, some are financially successful, but at what cost to their personal fiber and character?

The women you want to follow into this world are leaders, billionaires, moguls, businesswomen.. UN representatives. People who made their success.. and got where they were and known for who they are by their own doing. Why? Because they've taken the path of hard work, self identity, self ascension, and built that as strength ...all without compromising who they were. They rose to greatness as women, not as stars.

You wanna be able to..succeed at life.. and still be able to look at yourself.. and see who you were born as.
Women of the world, hear me. You were born bold, beautiful.. and failing either.. the way you were meant to be.
Take that knowledge and go from there.

   

I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!

So.. I've watched this coutry get in ..progressively worse shape.. and it's yet to really show itself to me, because it's been bad conditions on my immediate plane for some time.
 
It's the final stretch of 2008, and guess what? My momentum is subsiding. It took a while, I guess, but I'm feeling out of energy. I have had 4 jobs this year. All lost, for one reason or another. At least, none of those times was it my personal fault .

My campaign has broken down.. well actually it hasn't, but it's in need of restructuring. Some things have just.. established themselves as facts to consider. I was supposed to have got something done, this year and.. I have failed to do that.

What I can do is.. set eyes on the following year.. and use what remains of this year to make something materialize at some point next year. It's been a good year for weapons development, though. I have.. lots of information and more connections every day. What I am learned is that I have fewer friends than I can actually count.. or at least none willing to play that part, and set aside their self interests long enough to be a worthwhile ally.

Where I have lost some of them and bid some farewell until I'm right side up.. I have gained one or two who are good and also ready to get things done, and I am celebrating the teniors of at least two friendships I've had. Right now, I need allies, though. If it eases anyone's worries, at all, I have at least set my goals on a more.. gradual scale. I still want off this side of Earth, but I recognize that it's not possible in one thrust. Not at present, anyway.

I have two major goals for the following year, persuant to that. One is a savings goal. The other, my return to the classroom to continue on the path to a degree. I was sure, at one point what I wanted that in, but I'm considering going to study contract law, since legal documentation is something else I have a perpensity for.. and I'm told there's a good bit of money in it. I... don't think that's something I can take to another country, though.. so maybe that's not a good idea. That precondition is unfortunately non-negotiable. I'll figure that out next spring, I think.The savings goal is so I can set myself up to do some exploring around in different cities and states.

I still have this.. insatiable urge to do that type of travel and exploring.. but I guess I'll have to start on a smaller scale than I've previously wanted to. I am just not willing to give up trying for that. There's too much I want to see and do.. just on the basis it's different than here.

I remind you .. I am the type who gets homesick... that is, sick of home.

I've had on mind that winter's coming. I always get that preoccupation, about this time of year, when it starts getting cold and dark early. This whole season tears my spirit to ribbons. At least I know it's coming, this time, though.

I really don't know what else to say.

Ok..  Let's talk about what happened.

-Sarah Palin did not answer one single question when asked. She didn't actually want to ..go along the course of the debate. She stared right at the camera, and didn't make much unrehearsed expression.

-To be fair, she did slightly better at talking in the debate.. then when Katie Couric interviewed her. I thought the real interview was a joke (on top of the SNL spoof, which was funny, but not that far off from what the real thing was).

- Joe Biden stood up and did the job, toe to toe.. but he did not attack nearly as often as I expected him to, despite several wide open opportunities.

- I don't know if anyone caught it, and thank god the media didn't get TOW lock on it, but Joe Biden almost cried.. at some point where she touched on something he associated with his family, wherein anyone who knows Joe, knows he's yet to come to full terms with the loss of his wife and daughter. I wouldn't either. (Now I remember.. it was some comment she made that he responded with something about the fact him being a man doesnt mean he doesn't know about being a family oriented person).

- I'm dissapointed in how much he didn't attack, though I understand why. I still would've preferred blood.

- I like the mod of the presidential debate better, Tom Brokaw,.. discourse is the name of the game and he did a better job of instigating it, because that's what America needs to see, undecided voters, in particular. The differences in schools of thought and the conflict therein needs to be clear and present, so that voters can properly align their inventories of concerns and viewpoints with whoever best represents them, thus arriving at a decision.

This is not possible if the debate doesn't make it a point to expose the contrasting viewpoints and inventories, as well as how each conflicts.

This is only possible when the sides conflict at the proper time to, rather than shaking hands and agreeing on so much, when there wouldn't be different parties of belief if they agreed as much, in practice.

- Sarah Palin's should-be folksy charm annoys me. So does her voice. (But we'll strike her voice from the record, seeing as it isn't something she can control). The charm is an outright pander, and I KNOW people can see as much. I don't know any.. I repeat.. any.. real women who talk like her, nor live on the same clould. I've been around, and seen a great diversity of Americans.. and I've never witnessed any, especially working women, of any race...quite as ...dipsy.

- That brings me to what she might have convinced me should be a constitutional amendement: You do not wink at the audience of a political debate in contention for high office in the nations government, like it's a beauty pageant. I died laughing when she did, last night.

- If you actually listened to her responses, she sometimes stated she disagreed (literally), but then proceeded to talk out agreeing reasoning, when asked position questions.. on the bailout and same sex marriages and other issues. That's like a... primitive form of double talk, only not as well dressed. You couldn't miss it if you were actually listening.

- Yes she does straight talk, citing that. That is.. she doesn't know how to double talk properly. That's a good thing, in that she doesn't speak "bullshido" like most politicians. The problem is she didn't manage to make a lot of consistant statements, and not many true ones.

- Joe Biden speaks Bullshido, because he's been in the game long enough to have to do so, but didn't have any questions worthwile avoiding with it. I'm still mad that he didn't attack, but I do like HIS form of straight talk.. which is comprehensive explanation of his positions.. and the details of what's wrong with the other side's. As political discourse goes, that's the point of debating, but I especially liked how, at times, he talked to people, and not at them. Joe understands (or at least he conveyed properly that he does) how important this is.

-Sure she made complete sentences... but about half of them made no sense as answers. I hope they publish transcripts so people can read it aloud to themselves and see. I did not know.. making complete sentences and standing on your position, along with not answering questions when asked, nor rebutting discreditations constituted "doing a good job holding her own", but apparently you don't have to make sense or argue the logic at any point during a debate in order to be praised as worthy competition.

- Citing the above, debate sure has changed from when I used to do it.

-The only thing she did do, like classic (R)'s do, is try repeating what has already been discredited, like the Afghan commander's statements about his situation there and the fact McCain is not an actual maverick, on account of a majority of his votes don't reflect it, as if that somehow makes it true.

- Which reminds me.. she and McCain are no longer allowed to use the word "maverick". They've successfuly managed to besmirch the term and play it out like last week's rap song, at the same time.

- I want to find the guy who pulled her barbie string everytime she spoke.. and see what happens when you bind and gag him, leaving her to her own devices. I'm not even going along with the crowd making fun of her.. I saw her first with Katie, and second last night. I didn't get a good look at her nor good whif of her voice till then, and this is what I thought of, as I listened.

- Her complete lack of expression for most of the debate seriously reminded me of ..one of those my-size barbies that says something when you pull that string, but has absolutely no feeling or expression to it, whatsoever. (Or more accurately, an older model talking barbie, because the one's my nieces own are at least sophisticated enough to give body language, expressions and such.)

- I state again, Joe Biden almost cried. Odd to see. Very genuine.. but as offsetting as seeing a bulldog in tutu.

- Joe also needs to do something about that gaping bald spot. Sure that's superficial, and he might have his own sense of dignity about it, but the cameramen were having a field day with that. They always seem to.

-How is it that her English vernacular includes the word "naivite"..but not "mock"?

-And why does she insist on using the word "also" in sentences that did not succeed another related statement. This is nitpicky, but her "Engrish" annoyed me. Her articular ability curious and inconsistent. It suggests to me, even more than her rehesearsed responses, that Sarah Palin was fed everything to say.

-Again, if you watched her with Katie, when she had absolutely nothing to respond with, and then yesterday, when it sounded like she had a cram session with the McCain camp providing her opinions to memberize.. the idea seems plausible that that's just what happened. In short, the woman did not have her own words.

-Back when I was in college, I wrote papers and essays for people.. and I learned then that it's important that the material IS good..AND it sounds like who's supposed to have authored it. What I am, in effect, saying is that Sarah Palin, and whoever wrote out her responses.. are obviously two different people (though whosoever wrote them was probably Republican as well). Had she not shown us, a few times before, that she wasn't too knowledgeable or articulate, this wouldn't be so unbelievable a theory.

- The pundit afterparty, without fail, made me say, for the ump-teenth time, "What debate were they watching?".

- My next thought is.. if you can vote for McCain/Palin..after having listened to the logical arguments of last night (not to mention last Tuesday).. and also after seeing that that's who he judged was a worthy running mate (neverminding the painfully obvious reason why he chose her).. you have quite the stomach for intellectual insult as republican nationals. I admire you, for your dedication, nonetheless, if so.

(Hehe.. you thought I was gonna say "you're idiots", didn't you? Well, unlike some people, here on xanga and on the world,...public and media conservatives in particular... I respect people's right to have differences of opinion. And thus have no need to call names, or say the call people "neocons" as if I were using the ...other N word we all know and love*.

That reservation of rights to believe what you want is an unalienable is what makes this country the one we claim we're taking stands for. I would be a fascist to down or deride people for their beliefs. I believe lots of people need reminding of this.

What I meant by what I said, though, is that John McCain has officially insulted you, by picking this person.. and I couldn't take that sort of insult, in your shoes.)

-Not that I am one (because I'm not).. but if I were, she would represent the single biggest insult to my intelligence, so far. As an independant or undecided (both of whom MUST pick a side, if they plan on not wasting their vote on principal, on the one time we need them not to).. those observations on the content of what was said..would nail the last nail in on my decision.

Honestly, I wish we had more time left for discourse.. and less time for smearing and one liners and trying to relate to people who don't even exist on your tax bracket. I also wish there was more direct conflict, like I've seen teeny drops of, in the last two debates.

Because anybody can talk shit on a campaign ad but this is where it's at.. with the opponent being right there in front of eachother to debate and call "bullshit!" where needed, and everyone watching.

That's how the men get separated from the boys; That's how the candidates who have a clue get separated from the ones who don't.. which is what we were starting to see, but won't have time for the lysis to complete, assuming it needs to be clear as day and neonsigned for everyone to see.

SO to summarize my thoughts in a tagline that I hope gets remembered:

ROTFLMAO @ Sarah Palin. (The audience also LOLed at her, at least once...)

Way to go, Joe... but I want blood next time. (Actually I don't think there'll be a next time for the VPs;  Too bad).

I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!

I miss being the official piano man of Rennaisance High.. and OPHS too. Actually, it was better at Rennaisance, because they had a fully devleoped band room (or at least it rivaled the studio that Stevie Wonder worked in).. and they had a lot more talented musicians. It was an elite school, so I guess that was to be expected.

This was like.. the only thing I thoroughly enjoyed doing in school.. playing music.. playing music with others.. improving during study hours and lunch breaks.. and doing it on what had to be one of the best pianos.

There isn't much that I miss before that, because.. everything when I was.. little little.. had shades of crap that I couldn't fully see.. and I didn't really have anything exceptional reoccurances from that time. I never had like.. quality time with the father person or anything that most guys would recall. In fact he was, and still is, only around when he knows he hasn't been. And.. well I had my time for playing outside and what not, but most of my friends either flaked off or switched their tune.. so to remember playing with them sort of loses it's value.

All the good stuff came during and after highschool. Which reminds me, let's keep going?

I'll tell you what I miss. My first love That whole experience. It was.. the first bona fide opportunity I had to really share somethin with someone and be on someone's team. It came at a pretty bad time for me, but at least it was something that really made me hope for things and move with a purpose.

I know that isn't a memory just for when I was young.. and I know eventually I'll have more of this type, God willing.. but I was fortunate enough to have it at a time when it might well have saved my life, inside, and gave it direction outside. It is what got me started really writing music.. because I finally had something (and someone) good to write about.. I had my own beautiful story ( or at least a contrasting element to complete my story so far) to tell, finally. Easily the most special feelings, hands down, came from that time. That's when I developed the most, as a person.

What happened to that happened and I'm just not inclined to think about the rest but.. it's because of that that I can say that for a time.. life was beautiful.. really beautiful. I didn't know anything remotely close to it, before that.

I think the only other thing I can say I really miss are some times in college. Giving presentations and hosting discussions about the different papers I wrote for my composition courses. I got used to speaking and talking really well in front of small groups (which is a lot harder than talking to large ones, believe it or not)... and I got to enjoy it. Maybe I just liked having the floor. Maybe I liked the fact that when I talked, people listened, or maybe I just liked being an exhibitionist . Who knows? But that's when I started stretching my articulation and expression muscles fairly often.. and it's something that I rarely got to do before that.

Not that it can't happen again, because eventually I'll have to go back and finish what I started, but that's a fond memory that I do miss.

The .. consolatory factor is that.. I'm not missing all this from.. my deathbed or anything (not that I'm aware of, at least)... and I do have any number of years (I think...) in which to... have other opportunities to write music.. be really in love.. and be the speaker of the house. It just so happens that.. these kinds of things are what's shaped me,.. the good part of me anyway.. so they might well be inseparable roots to which I'll always be inclined to return, during my pursuit of happiness on this Earth.

Even though.. my life is what it is now, and I have.. pretty much set aside those toys, to make war for my own reasons.. one thing I am greatful for, most times, is that I'll have time, when I'm done, to do those things again.. and be ..all the things that I was... and feel.. all that I did feel... in those moments.

I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!

Besides die... ? Actually that's a bit obvious.

 Maybe you mean.. how would I spend my remaining time on Earth. Ionno.. take out as many loans as possible and go see the world.. go connect with as many people as possible.

Pretty much the same thing I would do with the rest of my time, without any sort of disease.

Maybe it's just me but I think I'd be glad to know I had something terminal. I've spent a long time feeling that way anyway, and it comes and it goes lately.. so that would seem like an opportunity for me to know my time is almost over.. rather than just feeling that way.

That's pretty morbid, but that's me for ya . Point being.. I wouldn't spend the time begging for more time or feeling sorry for myself.

I'd make a concerted effort to take in what all comes to mind that I haven't the time to.. and then I'd get ready to go home.. with honor, distinction, and dignity intact.

Also.. If anyone wants to know any final truths out of me, .. or needs to have any hard questions answered by me.. that would be the time to ask. Even though.. I am generally an open book.. even without a terminal illness.

I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!

I think.. it has absolutely no place in politics. Not here, anyway.

We are a place composite of many beliefs, persuasions and faiths.. so.. I think it's ludicrous to say that a person of one particular faith.. is right or wrong to.. make policy.. to.. serve the interests of those who do and don't have his beliefs.

One must also bare in mind that we live on a planet of various religions... many of which differ from any one of ours, even subtly.. and.. most of which we have to deal with to survive as a people.

Some may argue that one's religious practices says something about their character, particularly their devotion and inner convictions.. but in this country, where convictions to the wrong faiths or beliefs may land you in notoriety, I think that religious affiliation is another way to place politicians on a gradient.. another way to discriminate and differentiate.
  
The reality of it is, though, not many people follow their religious faith's teachings.. and really a true politician has only one religion: politics.

I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!

Yeeeees, of course it can. It's not easy, but it is possible.

Great thing about when you love someone is that it never ever goes away completely. You might estrange yourself from it, for sake of moving on or..legitimately embracing new opportunity, but you never completely forget what you feel. If you really dug it, then it's never truly "gone". Locked away.. maybe in the back of your mind.. maybe in your lockbox of emotional memory, but never gone .

This can be one hellova monkey on your back to get under control, when you have to, BUT... the first thing you have to do, if you intend to rekindle an interest is.. allow yourself to. Forget whatever happened, forgive whatever they might've done.. because thinking of what went wrong will be counterproductive if your intention is to explore something you thought was nice, at a time.

Instead of remembering what was bad, remember what was beautiful. Think of what about that person made you smile inside and laugh outside. Think of.. some of the things you did together, some of what you said.

If you pass this step, you've already gone well into no man's land. Nowhere to go but forward. Let your spirit of exploration have the floor.. let bygones be, forgive absolutely,.. and see if there is cause, room, and reason to continue from where you left off.

This is not easy, but the most important thing to master is forgiveness. If you can do that, you can let go of what sent things south last,.. and you can open yourself to what could be the exciting second half of a good thing.

Also.. abandon all hope of logically understanding what you're doing.. because there is no flatout logic to exploring what didn't work before or.. giving second chances. Why should you, then?

Just because, the past and the future are two different things; One you can ony let go of.. one you can only embrace. One you can't rewrite, one you must take up the pen to write.

Besides.. for all you know, it might've been a test, and this moment, where you're contemplating a reconciliation.. may be your (both of your) opportunity.. to prove that you can pass it.  

I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!

Yea, sure. People love every member of their family, usually equally.

I assume that you mean, romantically, though.. and if so, then no.. you can't love two people. You can want more than one person in your life, for what they each offer you. You can lust after more than one person.

But you can not not not not not love more than one person. You can say that you do. You can throw the L word around like a stationary or party invitation, like most people these days do, but you can't truly love more than one person at a time.

In fact, you can't really love two people in too close succession to one another, because it takes a while for the heart to.. well, "forget" is the wrong word,... estrange* itself from what it's most recently felt and the things it's carried, relevant to those feelings.

I am here to tell you that this process is a very long one. I can also tell you that it's not like changing jackets. If it is for you, then you probably aren't feeling real love .

But but...definitely.. you can't love two people at once. That's what FUBAR love triangles are made of. And you know what those usually are? Someone in the middle, deciding between two ends, one of which they want (not love, want) more than the other, whom they're not totally willing to abandon because they gain something unique from that person, too. This is another something I know, personally. Specifically, I know how unpleasant it is to be in one (as neither the middle nor preferred, prevailing end...)

That's not loving two people, though. That's not being able to decide what your feelings are. That's greed. That's playing with people's emotions is what it is. That's being lusty and selfish, deep down.

I'll tell you what is isn't: Love.

Love is simple. Love is straight and true.You feel it for someone. They feel it for you. You share it, grow it and live with it.

So called love triangles are neither simple, nor straight or true.

I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!

Take over Earth. What else would make logical sense, as a first move with that kind of power?

But that's just me, thinking big, as usual.

I would read certain people's minds, looking for answers to things I want to know from them, though. That would be so that I no longer had to guess. I like knowing the bottom lines, most.. so I'd go after said information first.

What would be really screwy is if I went digging for answers, and they really didn't know, either.

I don't think I would choose to alter their thoughts, but if I did.. I would alter them in such a way that I could take back everything that's been taken/kept from me over the last couple of years, so I could stop feeling as misplaced and robbed as I do today.

This would only require the manipulation of a handful of people, though. There's a lot of other things I could do with that; I could steal money and get away with it. I could get myself free rides and flights to wherever I please, when I pleased. I could do sooo much that I could think of, to move ahead and toward where I'd like to be in this world but I think more about what I feel belongs to me, in it, so I would firstly use that kind of power to start getting and taking it all back.

Then, and only then would all the other stuff be a thought. I guess the question becomes.. what all do I feel belongs to me? What specific belongings and items would I go after, with this power..? Well, that's not quite what the question asked, so I guess it's for me to know and you not to :p.

Edit: Then again, I guess it did ask that.. but I won't tell, anyhow .

I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!