October 10, 2009

  • Precipice


    I do not know what more to write. I do not feel well. The moments in which I do feel well are.. actually quite few in number. They happen.. they're just so rare.

    I have several recurring thoughts & that's mostly all. I think about the time that has been lost. My thought about it is that.. I am nowhere close to where I should be, but it's now too late to start that race.. too late to backtrack and start this half of life, again.What I feel is that my only hope for eventual salvation lay in all-out pursuit of the specific time and place I wish to be.

    What I know is that, for the moment, a cold night is coming. Things seem to have died between Nelly and I. Perhaps that wasn't so avoidable. It still seems like a shame but I'm mostly willing to admit things aren't salvageable between us. Hostilities between myself and family are resuming, unprovoked as always. I guess that was overdue but the long ceasefire was somewhat nice.

    I am also just now recovering from a foot injury that damn near bled me out, 2 weeks ago. I can walk again, and I seem to have kept all my appendages intact, at least.

    It's difficult, but not impossible, to acknowledge the positives in life.

    It could just be the approaching winter, which anyone who knows me.. knows that to be a sap on my spirit; I expect to become inoperable, for the most part, although I have every intention of fighting it. I can just... feel.. that.. the war I've waged will be over soon. It hasn't gone on for long enough to forget what I'm out for.. but it has gone on long enough that.. so much, mainly precious time, has been lost.

    I wish for an end to the fighting, right as it's gotten it's most intense. I am slowly gaining ground for my final attack. It will still take another year, maybe just less, to prepare. What I must adamantly insist upon, in that time, .. to myself and to those around watching.. including the God who sent me here unarmed.. is that I do not surrender & I will not be defeated. There is still a dream in my eyes.

    I want to go home. I believe I know where it is. I knew, for years. I have finally come to a point where I can lend myself, fully, to the reaching of this place.

    One thing I have learned while at war, is that change is as simple as putting one foot in front of the other.. and doing it. Doing this has taught me that it's OK to let go and watch for the path that comes, as you go along.
    I have followed my instinct and begun to let go, some.. and just as I thought.. opportunities have begun to surface, forming an avenue that I will spend the next year or so traversing.

    My one and only mission now, is to make it from here to the next objective. From there, I will refuel again.. and move on to the next objective. I will repeat this process... until I have made it home.

    For me, this war has come down to just that. There is no reclaiming things lost. No achieving vengeance. There is only getting home. This is all that's mattered for a long time, now.

    I will get there, in time.. and whosoever wishes to take it from me... or bar my way... had better be prepared to die at least as many times as I already have