August 21, 2008

  • Marching Into the Wind

     
    I don't really know what to feel, lately. I've been trying to switch my wavelength to one of positivity.. and that seemed to manipulate the things around me, for a while. I haven't figured out the mechanism behind the correlation but sometimes the way you think and what happens around you seems to have one. It's just one without apparent explanation.

    So, I've been trying that and.. trying to keep it up. It's begun to lose momentum but it's still there. As you know, my war hasn't gone well. In fact it's nearly at it's end.. to a cold stop. One side won. They have called a victory. Mine did not. Therefore it's a victory I can't seem to see. An outright betrayal made this the case. I can't begin to express my anger about that, so I won't bother. I'm trying my hand at letting things go, like I was once able to with ease. I need more time, on this one, though.

    I'm not upset, though.. because I've struck oil in my own efforts, and I've also got cards to play, still. I'm not finished yet, though. Just finished, here.

    So long as I live, I can never be finished.. and this is why I have made plans to retreat.. across states, to the next front, among more dedicated allies.I wouldn't consider it if I had the choice.. but I do not.. and besides, it won't be any worse than anything else I've been through.

    In fact, it wont be so bad, at all. Not at all. If there's one thing positive I can say about it.. it's that this is turning out to be an adventure, again. Someone made a hole for me, and I'm going to escape through it, to another place where I can pickup & finish the fight. Long as there's enough change in scenery and conditions, it'll due.

    I was rifling through my archives, and I didn't find what I was looking for.. a copy of the first part of "The Giant & the Wildflower". Apparently I never wrote it down? This is a (bedtime) story I made up and told Kirsten, ages ago and found use for, recently.

    Anyway, as I was rifling through entries, I realized how long I've been at war. For me, it's still not finished.. but at this point I feel ..an indescribable something at the realization. I can't successfully describe it, but it was worth mentioning, anyway :) .

    Persuant to this positivity effort, I've begun trying to locate and reconnect with old friends.. I had one success, last week. It took me about a year to find him out. A best friend from elementary school years. I've also shaved my entire beard off, just to see how it looks. I have a mustache still, and I won't remove that. It changes my look, entirely, especially without the beard. I like it :].

    Something else has been on mind, though. Juuust a little. I'm trying not to think too much about it, but it's on my mind's front page. We just got done fighting... and now she wants to come visit.. maybe go for a drive?

    I'm not complaining at all. Most of me wants to see her face again, and has forgiven her for.. everything before... but it just sort of came out of nowhere. It doesn't really surprise me that she'd want to go driving.. to where she didn't exactly say.. because she used to always do that... just.. go places. I never thought she'd want to be anywhere near me again, let alone share one of her "trips", though. Why not take her boyfriend (I know there's one...  )?

    Ever since I went to see her, it doesn't feel like we're a forbidding distance apart, physically. But, still, this is a long way to come in order visit the same warmongering ugly ogre that she'd expressed so much disgust for and lack of commonality with, on several occasions.. (going by the words that she's said, here and there, over the last year) so I just wonder what brought this on. I don't plan to do too much more thinking on it and I'm not complaining at all, but still. It just struck me as odd and random. I wonder what might happen or what I'll walk away feeling like, when she goes off and away again.

    I already accepted the invite. I later thought about the fact that if I didn't, it'd have told her the wrong thing about the way I feel toward her.. especially because I'm fairly docile toward her, usually. I'll tell you why I accepted it so quickly, though: ...because it sounded very nice. It still does. I'm looking forward to it, to be honest. Something I get from doing that seems to... superimposes what I feel about my present defeat. We haven't (or rather, she hasn't) planned any definite time or day or where to's.. but she seems deadly serious and excited about doing it.. (I thought she'd forget, after that day,.. but on at least one occasion, she's quick to mention it.. and I detect the enthusiasm very easily) so it must be something important to her. I won't take that away or ruin the moment, I don't think :].

    I've done lot's of thinking.. wondering if she's got things she wants to say or what. That seems like it'd be worth this kind of effort. If she does, I'll just listen. I don't have much to say, that I can think of, right now. I might, when the time comes, though. It will cause me absolutely no harm, I think, to spend some time reacquainting.. maybe go somewhere nice. We'll see what happens.

    The next phase of life seems to want me to walk into the wind without asking more questions or spending so much time contemplating the falls.. so that's what I'm trying to do.