May 3, 2013

  • Return to the Precipice

    Have hope, not sadness. Eyes forward, not backward. Continue your campaign to the end, and don't give up and lay down.

    I have to tell myself those things every day, when I wake up and when I go to sleep. The purpose being so that I avoid sinking into a toxic depression, the likes of which I've been fighting off for the last few weeks, now.


    I really don't know what lays ahead for me, but I know I have options and I know I have some choices. Last year was quite possibly the most amazing, peaceful year of my life. I just want to go back to being a trillion miles from all troubling things.

    Now I have a different feeling, though. I watched my family fall apart at a feverish pace. There is no chance that we will go back to even workable incivility. I'm really not sure what happened here while I was away, but the fact that we have lost one of our parents seems to have made a permanent rift between my sisters, I, each other and our remaining parent.

    My sisters have erupted into full on conflict over small small things, but seemingly because of years of pint up aggression. I don't fully understand it, but they are both expressing some anger at me for not taking sides. It's not my war, I just landed here.

    My dad can't understand why they are fighting, much less how long they will be fighting in the future... and he also doesn't realize that this isn't his moment to shine and seek reconciliation with either of them. He spent the better part of 2012 alienating and trying to belittle me, as well.

    But if I'm 8000 miles away, living my own life and doing well at it, there's very little you can say that will actually put me down so much as it will piss me off and make me not acknowledge you unless and until I feel up to dealing with a douche.

    As for myself, everyone is about to go their separate ways. I had a while when I was kind of struggling with my mom's sudden death. It seemed to put things in my mind that made life even more difficult.
    Now, I'm fine... I just don't know which way to go. I'm armed to the teeth with money I've been saving and haven't spent.

    I ....would like to go back overseas. Maybe to the same place. Maybe somewhere different. I have some things I have to do here, though, before I decide.

    I have to help close up my mom's home and belongings. I have to be here to keep to some of my obligations I've committed to since coming back. I have to give my nieces and nephew a little more time to have an uncle they identify with.

    There's all the things I have to do, and then there's all the things I want to do.
    The next year can be a very good year, if I remain in control of my emotions and my actions.

    It could be a very bad year, or indeed my last one, if I don't keep control.

    There's times like this when the best thing I can do is maintain my connection to my spirituality and my resolve to complete the tasks at hand.

    Keep calm and do God's work.