From here, I can't precisely decide what happens. What I do know is that my body has begun to be as corrupt and depressed as my mind has suddenly become. I can't explain why, but I have almost daily physical pain of some kind. One day, it's a tooth ache, the next day, some kind of facial inflammation. The last few days, it's as though I can feel overabundance of blood in one spot or another part of my head or brain.

I wonder if it's just imaginary pain, if my shunt is malfunct or what. I don't know the cause or how to fix it, or if any of it's connected. I don't know if, one of these days, I'll find myself in a waking death, unable to move or do anything but lay there and slip away. This is the same condition in which I found my mom, that Sunday. I don't know how I feel about it, except that if that's what's coming, I'd like to know. I'd like to know so I can put things in a certain order. I'll leave standing orders of what to do with me, my remains and what little money and valuable I do have. That's something she didn't do and it was one of the sources of the current civil war that's gone hot in my family.

There seems to be nothing left of my family these days. Just a drawn line that neither side will cross, and on our side, we know that we're all going to scatter into the wind, soon. I met a new-old face when I came back here, and the most epic challenge is not letting her see me at my worst. We have or had been friends for.. oh 4 or 5 years... and I don't really know what kind of duress she was under but we just recently talked things over into something official. The reason I say it must be duress is that she made it somewhat clear I wasn't her type before. I'm not sure what changes. I've only ever done small things here and there for her that I'm sure any capable friend would do.

I've been helping her wage war on her school assignments, up to about 2 or 3 weeks ago. During that couple of months, I have been using that and my own work as something to be busy with, so as not to think about what all is going down and around in my life. Somewhere in the middle of that, she suddenly wants to talk about becoming more. She had some kind of realization at heart and she poured it out to me. I didn't know what to think of it at first. It's been a loooooooong long time since I thought of her as anything but a friend who I help out. But it's hard to ignore someone's feelings, especially when they could be something important. So I thought it over, and eventually I thought I should hear her out and give things a chance. I need something new to keep my feet on the ground anyway.

I probably never will stop looking over my shoulder for the day to come when she finds somebody else or... suddenly snaps out of whatever feelings she just told me she developed. It's happened to me more than enough times that I know I've got 2-4 years before I'm on my face in my own blood, again. But you know what? Even with that knowledge, I also know that it's probably worthwhile anyway. I guess that's the attitude I've worked up toward love. It starts, it ends. But it's worth the trip, fall and inglorious death. That's better than being completely pessimistic, isn't it?

I do know she has changed from the person who turned their nose up at me, once. I think her age and circumstances have changed her perspective. I decided I won't second-guess her intentions and try to take her at her honest word. It could simply be that she really did have some point of realization at the same time I happen to be the closest one helping in life. It could be that she's been here too long by herself. She only gets to see family when they come to town because she's a billion miles away at school. It could be that she's almost 25, and it's time to catch a serious contender (in which case, why choose me of all the dirty rotten scoundrels in the bunch?). Whatever it is.. there's not much denying I kind of need somewhere else to look toward, because the house and the whole kingdom are otherwise coming down around me. Just like always, the things I'm sewing together now will be all I have to fall on, in the future.

Maybe this is another one of God's cruel experiments or maybe this is him putting together something that needs to be, for a while, if not for good. I found something out a long time ago, and it let's me feel that every relationship I was given before, even the ones that ended in a fiery NASCAR crash, was good for me. The thought is that things which are meant to be have an additional dimension: time. Everyone always assumes that when they meet someone or learn about God that this relationship is meant to be, forever. That's our assumption and it almost always leads to aches, pains and death. But what if you consider that people, even God are here, gone, back, and maybe lost from life all for a reason? What if you think more about what was achieved while you loved somebody, and not annul it based on how it ended? What do you lose if you can see the value of what you had, even once it's gone? I guess that's the way I've fashioned some bravery beyond the way I used to feel about it. I have to keep an open mind and and open heart, no matter how many bullets I'm meant to take, in the process, right? I have to do that in full knowledge that loves will be lost and God will from time to time forsake me and my life, leaving only stretches and stints of love and positive memories.

That may be a better way to appreciate life.

For the first time, I am not sure what the future brings. All I know is that the ground is coming out from under me and I have things to be doing. I also know that, in a way, I got my wish. This life, this place and my close connection to the here and now are about to be destroyed. This time, not by my hand.

The challenge for me, now, is to overcome the current sinkhole I seem physically stuck in.. and get ready to pick myself up and ante up, because no one can use a physically or spiritually weak man for anything. Everything about my current situation tells me that I don't have the luxury of time to bleed or feel hurt.