July 30, 2012

  • Mensch

      

    There's a point in life, when you begin the change. The sum total of your experience digests into lessons. You learn the answers to all the "why me?" questions you've asked. Good things, bad things, and ugly things happen to you and they produce this variety of experiences.

    You then start to make choices you never would make before. You are knocked, perhaps forever, off your holy high horse and a grade down on your scale of principals, by the choices you make. You discover that lying, cheating, stealing and so forth are a part of survival on Earth and that you must do them at some time or another to survive from one moment to the next, if not to prosper.

    In this period, you cease to be the person who believes that you'll be the one to take the high road and be an example. You cease to be this person who dismays at the world, for all it's deception and weaknesses. You cease to do so, because you've found yourself faced with choices and, although you can still discipline yourself, it is harder than you ever remember it being.

    You come to a place in which being good and true seem to clash with your goal of ever attaining happiness on Earth, if it's at all possible. You let go, inside, realizing that the world isn't going to crumble into an apocalyptic state just because you let yourself join the rest of humanity and do as they to, to get yours.

    Choices in life cease to be majorly about right and wrong, but rather about profit and loss, joy versus pain, politics and gain.. with the conscience only able to get a word in edgewise.

    This seems to be the world I've been exposed to, for some time now. A lot has happened in my life and as more things change, I start to realize just what sort of planet I'm on.. and how I have to become to survive it.

    I like to think that I have changed in some good ways. I've learned how to forgive and forget. I haven't lost much more time to depression. I have taken my clean break from my past as my chance to work hard, rebuild, and become something great.

    I stupidly forgot that I am still on Earth. The things and people on this side of it are just as capable of creating more good, bad and ugly experiences as those I am distant from now.

    Sometimes I wonder, will I become the same as those around me? Will I become capable of betraying people in my life, for whatever reason I think is good enough? Will I become able to walk past people in need and not so much as think of them? Will I be one of the ones lying to get out of trouble, cheating to make a little extra, stealing because he has and I need?

    I'd like to say no, but reality hits hard. Life on Earth brings a full understanding of "never say never".

    I can see that I am already becoming this kind of person. I have not hurt anyone around me, but I can no longer say that it isn't possible.

    I can no longer say that I will keep a promise I make no matter what. I can, but I've seen one too many times what it does to me when I do.

    I can no longer say that I won't steal, given a good chance. I can no longer say that I shalt not covet my neighbor's wife (well, in general. my neighbor's wife isn't quite covet..worthy?.. but you know what I meant).

    Some people might say I need to find God. I found God, several years ago. He was waiting for me, the last time I really tried to end my life. We had a good talk, that time and that is what got me here. Because I woke up where I ended up, filled with a terrible resolve and given new orders.

    I found God, and that was what he did for me. I was not pointed to a book or a covenant or a house or any wise elders. I was only given a firm denial of my intent, and motivation that saw me through to the end of my first war in life.

    But, as I came here, I have not been able to take hold of anything or anyone constituting a foundation for  happiness. What's more, I know it isn't my time to. I know I'll have to return home to finish a grueling year of studies, like I should've done years ago.

    So I'm wondering, when I finally have completed my fiscal reconstruction.. what will be left? I won't be the person I was born. I wont be the person who came here. I won't be a being of peace or righteousness, or many other virtues.

    I'll be just another man, building his empire, trying to get his 4 things, by whatever means necessary.

    I don't see this as inevitable. I also don't see it as a completely bad thing. A part of me relishes the idea of being a little more calculated, a little more hedonistic and enjoying most of my decisions as long as I think them out well.

    I guess I've finally grown up.