I notice that each time I make a mistake, whether it be in love or money or my education or my work, I don’t know how to move past it fluidly. When I feel like I made a mistake, or something fails to go the way Iplan it, it sends me back in time. I can’t help but recall and focus on every stupid thing, every misstep, every moment I wish I could do differently. I recall all those moments and then conclude that I am an awkward human being.

Actually, I think I have known that for a very long time.Usually I accept my way was an inexorable part of who I am and I find myself exceptional in some way. Usually, I have high self-esteem as I acknowledge the way I am.

 But, in this context,I think of it in a way that I don’t accept about myself. At these times, I feel like a defective machine. I tend to sink into a depressed state that lasts for however long it takes me to come off the ebb and into the next high tide. I feel like I should be punished in some way for the stupid things I’ve done in life. In a way, recalling my entire life’s slate of errors every time I make anew one is a punishment. I definitely wish I knew how not do to that and how to avoid feeling like a worthless broken thing, while I wade through those memories.

I wish I knew how to truly accept and tank onward to the next thing. I’m reasonably certain this is something that occurs in a lot of people. I can’t assume that it’s just me that experiences this. I just wonder if I will ever come to a place in life when I completely accept the way I’ve gone through life.

It’s not enough to think of the fact that all of the things I’ve done wrong and all of the ways that I am messed up are a part of what got me here.  It’s not enough to think that everything happens for a reason. Maybe it’s because I haven’t gotten to that place when all the wrong turns amount to something profoundly right.

At least I haven’t given up hope that place does exist and I will eventually get there. Rather, I don’t have the courage to give up. I’ve come too far to lay down.