June 2, 2011

  • May 17, 2005- June 1, 2011


    This year has been one of incredible contrast. It first began like the last 3 years have, only with a little more take-away than usual. I can't remember all the things I lost, in fact, only that, by January my capacity to make war was diminished.

    Still, I did not admit defeat nor rescind my state of war, even as I lost my home for a short while (again..) and even as those who I helped in their times of need did nothing to show their support.

    This year began with a downfall, in which I made several mistakes. One of those mistakes was trying to.. make peace with or.. reconcile my goals with the people around me, family in particular. I've been told that one should never pit themselves against family and that family is the last line of defense even when you have no one else.

    After much giving those notions a legitimate chance, I've found that not to be true, in my case. I have never placed my family as enemies against which I have some goal. But I've always seen them as people who make no effort to understand or support or encourage. This much is unequivocally true. I've always felt that if we did come to odds or blows, as we frequently have, it would be because what I want for myself differs from their vision.

    I am entitiled to mine and that is why, for the last 6 years, I've been at war to put it together. I think about this because we've always been close by to each other and I've never been completely uncaring of what the opposition thinks. The problem with that is, as I've recently found, it does nothing to negotiate or be transparent or communicate to people who do not know you.

    That is what I tried to do with my parents, both of them. I tried also with my two siblings and.. well it was an educational experience but overall a diplomatic effort was a waste of time. My siblings have seen that I am a doing person. They know I'm capable of anything I set forth to do. They have been waiting to be impressed, I suppose.

    My parents, though, they still don't think I'm capable of doing anything. They lack even the basic foundation of adult respect. On the one hand I can understand, since I don't tell them very much and never have. On the other hand, this is exactly why.

    SO.. that's what began the year: A disaster of an effort to be more open. "Communicate" more. I will not be trying that again. As I was advised by my elder siblings, I will go on with my campaign, and say what I need to say with the results of that.

    I did begin a second front, which will last approximately 3 more years, but is going well. I am a university student again, since February, and I'm managing straight A's, so far. I've only had 4 accelerated classes, though, so we'll see how long my excelling spree lasts. My objective, in doing this, is to knock down the degree that I will need to go on, in an above-ground life, in a few more years.

    Yes, that means the war, as a whole, is far from over. I did say, though, that I would not report back until I had made substantial war progress. I'm here to do that, today.

    January's incidents only made me fight harder, and since then I have saved an actionable sum, giving nothing to any expense but the most necessary. The primary objective, of saving what I required to go where I have the opportunity to make a better situation, has been achieved. It has taken 6 long years to arrive at and complete this objective, but I am able to report that the first, biggest hill has finally been taken.

    I will only be able to say that I have "won out" in this stage of the war, when I have seated on an aircraft and set off on my 26 hour flight to my destination, though. That moment is no longer an uncertainty but a certain prospect for the future. I have purposefully pursued a venue of education that can follow me, to wherever I go. That means I am free to go, for good, as I've said from the begging that I would.

    The violent revolution stage of this war is over. The era of loss and depression dies with it. So, too, must my current configuration of mind and body be changed from a machine of war, to one of peaceful construction.

     All which has been done against me is forgiven, truly, and all but the most recent debts to me are forgiven, as of this moment.

    I have what I want and I have the ability to get what I want from this point to the next in life. Therefore, pending the success of the last few movements, there is no reason to carry on wartime policy.

    The next phase of my concerted effort will be toward building the state that I've fought for the right and secured the means to. As much sleep as  have lost over this, and as far from peace as I have been for not achieving this, I thought I'd be a little more excited and/or than I feel at this moment.

    Maybe it could be that I am anticipating what else could go wrong or take this away from me. It could be that I'm too preoccupied with the work that still has to be done. I have some state hoping to do and a handful more covert operations to carry out for the end game.

    My final task will be the deliverance of  an explanation of what is about to happen, as a last effort to maintain a lasting peace with the people I call family. It falls on them to accept my design and not be offended by my concerted follow through. It is my responsibility to explain myself, up to that point.
    There is still much work to do and not all of it is straight forward. Still, I think I should feel better. The hardest part is over, at long last.

    Maybe it just hasn't sunk in, yet, that victory is absolutely mine, even though I absolutely hold it, literally, in my hands, this time.