January 5, 2009

  • Something About Hope

    Why, to this day, am I alive? Inside, I am as afraid to face an oncoming day as most are of there suddenly being no more days left to use on Earth.

    That is something which has become true of me, as time has gone on.. and it's resulted in.. many interesting twists and turns, but I have yet to lose the ..complete disdain I have, which I feel every night, at the prospect of another day similar to the one just had.

    I've come to the conclusion that it's in part because I am kind of a lunatic.. and in part because I'm ungrateful. It's been said dozens of times and I always think of the fact there are ..what.. millions who have much worse circumstances than I do. But that doesn't really instill me with.. motive and desire to carry on. If anything, it makes me wish I could trade my life for theirs, that I no longer have to live it, and they can have something better. Perhaps they'll do more with it than I have. Perhaps they'll become something distinguished and great with the gifts that I have so far failed to achieve while possessing.

    I feel weighed down, one by the circumstances in which I live, and two by my inadequacies which I've become familiar with over the years. I don't seem to be able to do anything good enough for anyone. This is a part of what has cost me everything I have so far placed a value or significance on.

    The question must be asked, then.. that if I feel this way.. why am I still here, when it would be relatively easy not to be. Why do I persist, when every move I make is a false move, wherein I lose something else?

    It's a mixture of stubbornness and a faint belief that eventually I'll gain the high ground.. and all of this will begin to change, at that point.. and in whatever pace it does, from then on.. life will be better, granted not any less difficult.
    There are things I am missing. Things that I have been denied and/or stripped of, in this life. My sole mission at this moment is to take, by force, each one until all parts of me.. and all I hold valuable.. in my current heart and mind.. are restored to me. It's with these things, regardless of how much must still be done, that I believe better times are to be had.

    I have lived every moment, for the last few years, wagering on that possibility. I am not particularly looking forward to the next year, but I have been tantilized with a precious few possibilities.. and I do feel like I've come far enough away from ... much of the hurt and much of the anger I have operated with. My only desire is to reach a point where I can forget that anything before this year happened the way it did, as well as all involved. That's amends enough for me.

    My only problem is that it's become a chore to maintain my little bit of hope. I don't know how or why it doesn't ever extinguish.. but I do know that this is what keeps me jabbing. Not any person or specific thing. Just my bit of hope.

    Should it ever run out, I'll include that, somewhere in the epitaph.

    At this exact moment, I was maybe needing to remind myself of that, so I hope no one is annoyed :) . I am my own shephard, this way.

    Edit: New Years up to today  was.. eventful, to say the least. I had myself some fun. Got myself a brand new job.. and I seem to have met someone worthwhile. I have all new imperitive to continue my campaign to it's finish, and quickly. I wish to end it quickly, within the coming months.. so that no more time and no more of me is lost to war.