December 20, 2008

  • Deuce-Three

    Each year, as my birthday passes, I take a moment to reflect on where the previous year has gone, and where the next one will go.

    In the last few years, each one has gone to my personal campaign, which began 5-6 years ago, and entered a phase of total offense, roughly 2-3 years ago. This, along with brief smatterings of life and thoughts in between is what has occupied my time and my energy. So, too, must the beggining of this year, but not very much of it. I have joked a few times in saying that it'd be over by Christmas, and the last few times that has failed to be a true prophesion, granted one made in jest.

    I am aware that I have lost much of myself, in this process. I am aware of the blunt instrument I have become. I am aware of the sensibilities I have forsaken, in order to become an animal of sufficient ferocity and utility. There have been times of fatigue.. exhaustion, frustration and so forth.. but never once a moment of regret. When the time comes for the fighting to end for a while, I intend to recollect and reassemble what was good about myself, and thusly put away the soldier I am now, until the next time it's needed.

     Many have asked why it is I've taken this approach.. why life must be a war, for me. Many more ridicule it, when it is in fact true that there are many like me, to whom life and living are no less a battleground. The only difference between those many and myself.. is that I recognize it, and I have chosen to take charge, in order to take back the life and the various other things which belong to me.. as opposed to remaining a helpless docile civilian casualty.

    My simple answer, to any questions about this, is that I did not create that neccesity. I am only reacting to it, as the course of things has demanded. When met with intolerable circumstances and outright wrongdoings that I have been, most people would chose to either do the same, or fallover and die. What I have discovered is that it would be of too much consequence for me to do that.. and each time I have tried, I have found myself terrified of the prospect of missing what lies beyond the darkness.

    And so I have chosen to stand, refusing to go quietly into the night, but also in regonition that the night will not go quietly, either.

    The most relevent questions, though,.. the ones that stop me in my tracks to think.. come from me. I often wonder the worth of it.. I forget my purpose. I forget what it is I'm raging to earn. I always re-align.. and find harmony with all those things, and this is what keeps me going.. that there will be a day when life is a little different.. when I am no longer fighting, but living to the best of my ability. In fact, there is little difference accept that, now, there are hills of accomplishment to be taken and many personal prizes to be won.. sovereignty and rights to be restored, among them. When that is restored, I will endeavor to return to the artful, gentle creature that some of you are more familiar with.

    It wouldn't surprise me if the entirety of life were exactly the same. But I am a good soldier, the one thing I can say I've become good at being, and so.. if that's what waits beyond the hill when I've finally taken this one, I'm perfectly fine with that, and after some rest and celebration, I'll be ready for the next one.

    I found the need to write today, because alot's happened.. and I wanted to dissolve any rumors that I may have finally given up hope. I don't have time to talk about every single thing.. but let's just say that I am beggining to see over the hill.. the same one on which I have died and been stripped of all which matters. The end of this campaign will teach me another lesson.. one that's been drummed for the last year, but has only rendered as meaningful to me because of what I've done: I will learn the value of hope.

    There are some disturbing things to note, but I won't do that, now. None of them will make much difference.. and some are bridges that I'll cross when I get to them. I thought I'd give an update, just so anyone who's interested knows that.. I've remained true to my current self and, more importantly, that I am still quite undefeated.

    In case I forget, I'll remind myself to describe what I've been up to for the last two months. It's a part of the campaign named Operation: Black-Bull. It's my sincerest hope that I've come to the end and this is, indeed, the final battle, for now.

    Wish me luck.

    Oh yea, right, Happy Birthday To Me. I bought myself some Italian leather belts and other fun things, to go with my current look :D .