November 1, 2008

  • Red October

    Today (11/1) is the anniversary of the day I began my revolution, choosing to abandon my first state of being and go into battle.. for something important to me.. and also for life. It's one of a handful of dates in my personal that will live forever.

    I've had lots of things to say, lately, but no ability to say them since my PC's been undergoing repairs and I've been busy, double and trippling work, the last couple weeks. I've not been home too often, and there's no end in sight for that, but I've built up a small surplus and am continuing to build it.

    What will it be used for, you wonder? My next planned attack, of course :p. This shouldn't surprise anyone, by now.

    That's going unusually well and without incident, and this is enabling me to take the winter head-on as it's coming, because I don't feel immobilized what so ever. I've been getting sick pretty often, but my spirit is high, all things considered. So.. no seasonal drain, this time around.

    I spent some time here and there, 3 days at the end of last week thinking about Kirsten. I had tried to call her.. maybe 3 weeks ago?.. but I only let it ring once, before I changed my mind. Ever since, I've just had random spells of thoughts about her.

     I dunno if that happened before or after I opened my ..I guess you could call it a war chest, ..even it's more like an antique chess set in which I store a handful of keepsakes.. I came across it while cleaning around.. and wanting to make sure I hadn't lost any of the handcarved chess pieces.. or any of her pictures, I opened it up.

    In it is.. a little jewely thing she gave me (some sorta bracelet chain type thing), ticket stubs, pictures.. and her.. folded, still perfectly legible .."farewell" letter, written to me the night before I returned home.

    I opened it up.. took note of the date: December 7th.. 06.. and I read it to myself, for the second time.. the first time being when I was on a train to Rennsellair, NY.. during which I failed miserably to contain the tears.

    This time, though, it just made me think. Sure it's a different world, now, but ..a lot of what she wrote and how she wrote it seemed to be.. timeless in nature. Like.. she wanted it to be taken as true, no matter what happened or how far into the future I next came across her writing.

    I'm still unsure how much of it was true, but having been angry and outraged and every class of hostile in between.. and then having been told things that prompted me to ..not believe in there being any definites.. and be open to whatever does happen.. I can't say that I'm all that distrustful anymore.

    I stopped thinking of it, a couple nights ago.. but I think I've always wondered, in the back of my mind, if she would ever really come back. Conventional wisdom says no. Some people I've asked say that it's possible (and they argue the reasoning well).

    She said she would, if she ever felt the need to. And she convinced me that..whatever it was that did go wrong, I still left the same kind of ..deep footprint on her that she did on me. I was able to believe it more, this time around.

    So, I just wonder.. if there will there come a day.. 1..5...20 years from now, when she makes good on that. I'm not at all ashamed to admit that will put one or two of the right screws back in. I'm also not ashamed to admit I miss that girl :| . I really do.

    I wonder if she ever has moments where she sits and thinks about me,... or ever gets the urge to get up and turn back, at all costs. Probably not. I only have them because something inside always reminds me, sometimes subtly, sometimes not so.. that.. we had raised something that wasn't just any ol' thing like the kind people break up and forget about every day. It also reminds me that she got away, taking it with her. I wonder if she feels the same.

    Who really knows, though. I haven't spoken to her since the late summer. The last thing she said was about wanting to come visit.

    I'm not mad or anything.. but it goes like this pretty often. It isn't that I don't want to speak. It's just not like before. The one thing that's changed is that I just don't feel welcome. That's why I don't take it too much for granted whenever our paths do cross.

    I never can think of any reason to talk, though.. and I always feel like I would be disturbing her life, because she's gotten herself ...I guess some form of one that doesn't seem to have room for intrusion.. and because even she says we're worlds different now (which was always true, actually.. just that she means to say we've got nothing much in common. That isn't true either, because the part of her that's as .. extreme about things .. and some other parts.. stick out like polar bears in a wheat field.. when they want to. I never  argue that point, though it's true).

    ... and that's all I have to say about that. It's been bouncing around my head, for a little bit.

    There's other noteworthy things, too, though.

    Bout an hour ago, I was clearing out my email box when I noticed something odd.. 3 emails.. addressed from myself(?).. with subjects and body lines: "I miss you". Thye were sent within 3 minutes of eachother. I didn't write them, though. My PC was still being repaired and I was out driving around West Bloomfield (to go get my nieces from school)  at the time they were sent.
    I thought maybe it's a virus.. or someone's haxored the account and sent em. I haven't bothered trying to figure it out, but it was pretty weird.

    I found out.. CT and his fiance broke up (not surprised one bit about that) and he moved away. Give and take life, for him. I still feel heavily betrayed, however.. I've been wanting to extend some kind of olive branch, because he and I considered eachother brothers for a number of years.. and I'm not sure if I do or don't feel that's important enough to try safeguarding. It could be that things are just fine, the way they are. I've lost friends before and lived. It just seems like a bit of a shame, this time.

    I'll figure it out, eventually.

    I've been watching the election news, having not much better to do at home or out to work. I can't wait for it to be over. xD Either way, I'm outta this country within 4 years. I guess the outcome only affects how cumbersome that is gonna be.

    On a related but not exact note, I can't seem to get over this feeling I have that ..I dunno.. somethin' bad is coming. Can't really say what.. just.. something seems wrong. I've had this feeling before and was right, then, too.

    It may be time for me to ...ante up and go do my part, this time, too. We'll see. If so, I'm taking names and rolling heads, this time :D .

    I have a path to keep cutting, though. I'm a bit unsure about some specifics pertaining to my immediate future, but I am building up resources so that when the appropriate time comes, I can make the next move I'm going to.

    My 23rd birthday is coming up, soon. Things aren't too bad, now, but I am determined to make another move of change, on or around that time.. so that I can begin that year, moving in the direction I wish to.

    That's all, for this edition.